I can't help it, and I'm sorry. I'm not going to say it again because it's clear you've rejected me despite saying you couldn't reject me, that you enjoyed my company and liked me too but you just couldn't relationship. I understand your circumstances, and you owe me nothing, but it still hurts.
I guess I'm too much of a dreamer because I started fantasizing about life with you. About what's to come, even though it wouldn't. It's hard because the more we talk, the more my feelings grow. I said I'd put them to rest, but it's harder than it seems. I've been trying and trying but I have hearts in my eyes every time I talk to you and it's getting fucking frustrating. I wish I could shove them in a little box and toss the keys away.
I keep going over our old messages and thinking about how you used to talk to me over the phone. It was amazing. Your personality was what made me fall in love with you. Your sweetness, how immersed you'd get in your games, how you'd sing for me, how you'd listen to me talk about my nightmares at 6 am and stayed with me until I fell asleep, how you'd take me out on phone dates to the convenience store, how you'd talk about your interests for hours, how you'd joke with me without being grossed out, how we'd flirt like we've been married for 30 years, how you'd make me blush by saying the simplest things, how flustered you'd get me just by looking at the camera; it was perfect.
I've got nothing but good memories with you. You've helped me be more straightforward with things. It's a work in progress, but you have contributed. I'm thankful that you gave me all these good memories and fuzzy feelings.
However, it's a double-edged sword. I feel loved, but then I'm insecure. I think, "you don't like me" "I feel lead on" "you find me boring" and more. My thoughts turn pessimistic when you leave me on read for days. Deep inside, I know you're probably distracted and don't mean any harm, but I'm not you. What if you really don't want to talk to me? And if that's the case, that's completely valid. I'm not going to try to talk to you if you don't want to. But that's the thing, I don't know.
I'm not going to pretend like I know exactly how you're feeling. But, I feel like I'm annoying you and you only respond because you feel bad. Not because you want to talk. I miss our old conversations. They were full of life. Now, it just feels like you're forcing yourself to talk to me. Just.... don't. Don't do that. I want you to be forward with me. Be clear with what you want. I will only know when there's open communication between us. And I've tried instilling that by encouraging you to let me know if I do anything that upsets you.
I don't even know what we are right now. We still flirt, though not as much as before. I guess things are still the same, but you respond sparingly (even though it's quick when you're online). I'm not going to bring any negative energy your way. I'm not trying to kill your vibe or become baggage that you have to carry around. Which is why I'm not going to send this to you. I'm not going to add needless stress to your life. Because you don't owe me anything, and these are just my private feelings I'm writing down so I can move on already.
Just know one thing: Thank you for being my friend.
