warm honey ▸ poetry

83 covering my ears like a kid

"how are you?"
the question is so simple,
and yet i take a minute
really draw in my breath
my thoughts
how am i?
i ask myself this question daily
i'm okay
but am i really?
my partner asks me
my best friend asks me
my sibling asks me
my therapist asks me
my ex asks me
my lab partner asks me
my parent asks me
my professor asks me
my neighbor asks me
my roommate asks me
HOW ARE YOU?
everyone knows
but no one knows. no one cares.
the phrase rattles around in the empty walls of my skull
pounding back and forth, side to side
how am i?
no, like, how am i really?
am i okay? good? great? fantastic? sparkling?
the best i've ever been? on top of the world?
or am i fine? just, fine?
maybe a little worse than fine?
lower,
          lower,
     i sink into the darkness
am i awful? flat? broken? tired? a shell of the girl everyone used to love?
what card do i want to play today?
which pair of ears are on the receiving end?
do i want to be honest?
to take off the mask, the makeup
do i actually care if other people care?
do people actually care?
definitely not.
don't be pathetic.
i'm doing this for attention.
i have to be?
i'm okay!
this is all a phase!
i'll grow out of it!
just one more glass
another puff
a new tattoo or piercing
cut my hair off
dye it bright blue
quit my job
legally change my name
take everything i own and run
anything to get rid of this face
to get rid of this version of myself
this image
the one i created
and the one i hate so fucking much
screams
but it's almost like they're underwater
bubbles
this is all just a chemical imbalance in my brain
my psychiatrist has stuff for that
fluoxetine
mirtazapine
lexapro
wellbutrin
zoloft
NUMB IT OUT
PAUSE
will i feel like this forever?
like a disc with a scratch in it
like metal and leather in a car in the summer
anormal
pained
someone tell me before i blow up
cognitive processes backfiring
i keep to myself
i pretend
i cover my ears like a kid
to block out the reality i have made
with my tainted brain and numb skeleton
bad choices and numb hands and liquor coated lips
black nights and shaky days and nothing in between
thoughts consumed, eaten alive by the jaws of life
"how are you?"
i don't fucking know
but i'll get there
i hope