Quintessence of us

i gave my last breath to stay in love with you

inspired by Ivoryyy's playlist of the same name on Youtube:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZkAP-kYUpTU

The world came blurry. Whether it was because my brain was getting foggy, or because my tears were welling up too fast, I couldn't tell. No matter... I was at peace. In the middle of the ballroom where we used to dance on glorious, bright nights, when no one was around and we had the whole night to ourselves, my feeble body was laying limply. I could feel my surroundings seemingly vanishing from touch as I got closer and closer to the limit that separated me, from you, my love.

The sound of my ragged breath drowned out the soft patter of the rain. A tragic end met with the dark skies, as if they were ready to mourn my death, forcing their grief onto the land... a bit too cliché for me, but I couldn't have the luxury to complain about my plight.

For the last time, I took in the high roof, in which you once foolishly tried to plant a dart without much success, the archway running around the room, behind which we'd hide and kiss when we were stuck in a drawn-out ball, and the chandelier, still standing but missing part of its crystals, just like I'd been missing you, my other half. Through my numb skin, I felt both a tear roll on my cheek and a smile slowly creep up my face, as memories of you flooded back like a rising tide set on drowning me out, so that I could fade away from this realm and finally get to join you in your oh-so-beautiful world.

I remembered the way you used to take me by the waist as we waltzed and, with your other hand, slid my hair tie to let my hair flow loose, because you always thought I looked happier when I was freer. I remembered the first time you called me by my name, the chills that ran through my body, the cheeky smile I instantly wiped off your face when I kissed you delicately, and the soft silk of your jacket as I gripped your back to never let go again.

I recalled the last day we walked together, you barely holding onto your feet, me holding your hand harder than I had ever needed to, praying that things would go back to the way they were. I recalled the screeching of the jukebox needle on the violin record you loved the most, filling the silence in the suffocating room where I was trying not to cry and you were trying to hold onto your life. I recalled the last time you called my name, voice thin and breathy, the chills that ran through my body, the powerless smile that got off your face as you closed your eyes and your head fell gently onto my lap, the tears that fell onto you but that you could no longer feel.

I thought I heard a distant noise over the cacophony throwing a feast in my head, but there was little chance it was something of any importance. Nothing had importance anymore; the only thing that saved me from complete madness now, was that I'd soon get to you, my love, the only one that pumped blood into my veins, the one who had left me before I could even fathom the thought of losing you.

I squirmed slightly, wanting to take one last look at the blurry moon hanging in the sky outside. As I managed to turn my head and lift it off the ground, the moonlight printed its glow onto my retina before my eyes went to the door that had just opened next to the large window. A silhouette slowly made its way over to the center of the ballroom, where I was barely moving, and halted its walk a few meters away. As they were revealed by the light, I recognized the long robes of the sorceress who had so desperately tried to save me; her face, hidden by a large hood, was still obviously so pained, but the glint of determination had long disappeared from her eyes. She would have been my only chance at life after the tragedy I so horribly suffered, but her offer was a poisoned chalice that I could never take to betray you.

The day she found me, lying down next to you on the bed you'd just left cold, she embraced me and let me cry until I fell asleep, as I prayed before nodding off that I would wake up from this nightmare. She was there, too, when I had to watch your body get buried, your whole life, so rich and so giving, summarized on a gravestone you would have hated to see. And she was there, when I prayed that I could go on without you, honoring our love by keeping on living my life like you would have wanted me to.

Back then, she offered me a chance to be born again, the chance I needed to go back to the person I was before - but not exactly the same since I would have to forget all about you. As she said "I'll erase your memory and you will start anew", I already knew my answer. "I could never," I said softly, looking away as she bit her lip helplessly. As weeks passed and I had no doubt left that if this option I didn't choose, I would waste away, I told her again, with a knot in my throat and tears I had gotten used to in my eyes, that I longed for you more than I longed for life. She hugged me again, and the sorrow I felt from her embrace was twice as heavy with the burden of losing me.

But as I lie here and watch her tremble over me, I can't bring myself to feel any sadness, because if she feels like she's losing me, I feel I've found myself again.

Before going for good, I smile as the sorceress plants a somber kiss on my forehead, to tell her she has done everything I needed, and that I would depart with no other feeling than the yearning to see you again, you who I have not heard, smelled, or touched for so long.

I'm coming, my love.