Embrace the Sky | ✔

9 | words of the heart

Dear Amaya,

I love you.
I needed to make those three words be the first thing I write to break the wall of ice I formed between us, because they sum up the feelings, the thoughts, the sensations, that I experience every time I think about you. Because for god knows how long, I've ignored, neglected... suppressed, those three powerful words.
Damn, I never expected to feel so relieved to get them out of my system. It's as if they've been waiting at the very tip of my tongue for the moment to happen, rather than them being stuffed into the furthest corner of my mind. And yet, even if it's a relief, I feel like there are so many more words that are tripping over each other to come out of me right now, all the same exact three-word pair, as if it's still not enough to say that I love you once. Because it's true. It's not enough.
My heart beats for you right now, it's screaming to the world that I love you. It's pouring itself onto this paper, it's what's guiding my hand into writing this. It wants to come out and tell you how much I love you.

I love you and I don't think I'll ever truly feel like I've said it enough. I just... I love you.
I love you Amaya. I love you to the Moon and back. I love you so much that it hurts me when I don't see you.
I miss you.
When I read that you missed me too, from that card you sent me, my knees gave in. My heart wanted to burst right out of my chest. I ate all of the chocolate Diamond left me with that same night to try and fill up the hole in my chest, and almost cried when I bit into every piece that had blueberries, every piece that had bananas. You made them, didn't you? Not many stores in our area have them lying around.
You do so much for me, and here I am, sitting on my dining table, lovestruck, allowing my heart to breathe life into this thin piece of paper as if I didn't reject you, curse at you, hurt you, three months ago── when you confessed to me that you felt the same three powerful words that I am now confessing to you. And I'm sorry for that. Words can't describe how much guilt and regret I feel for doing such a thing. I thought I was in the right when I tore apart the relationship we had, but I know now that it was wrong of me to do that. I'm sorry Amaya, you didn't deserve that.

I love you, Amaya.
My love for you sneaked up on me somewhere between all our late-night cuddles and kisses, between all the times you read Diamond stories, between all the play and laughter, between all the nights you fell asleep on my shoulder when we watched feel-good movies with cake straight out of the oven and ice cream── ooh, pistachio ice cream for you, classic Neapolitan for me.
Oh Amaya, my god, the feeling I got when I would lie you down and put a blanket over you, over us── I miss it so much. I want to do it again. I want to do it all again with you.
Over the years that we've come to know each other, you've become an important part of my life that I don't want to let go of. You make my heart soar. You make me feel whole. You bring out the most sensitive parts of me, and you hold them tight, bring them into your loving arms.

When I see you, I see light.
It's something that's been happening since the first day I met you, and though it took me years to understand what it meant to me, I've always considered you to be a dear person in my life because of it, aside from all the other things I've come to find and adore about you since then.
These past three months I've been living in the dark.
I want to see light again.
Come over this weekend, Amaya.

So many things hit me all at once since last night. All to do with you, with us. At first, I thought god, or the world, or reality itself, wanted to put me six feet under altogether rather than keep me grounded from all the concentrated heartache and pining I went (and still am going) through, but today I learned it wanted to do the exact opposite with me. It wanted me to get a good taste of reality, of where I am now, of my present, of how the future will be if I turn away from the love of my life.
With the clouds, with the sky, with the light that came down from above, it moved me to tears. It poured gas to a fire I was beginning to lose control of, and I welcomed it with open arms.
I thought about you. I thought about us. And I felt overwhelmed by all the love that burst right out of my heart.
Life is strange, but god am I happy to be here, full of it. Because of life, I am here writing this letter to you.

♫♫♫ " If I could paint the sky / Hang it out to dry / I would want the sky to be / Oh, such a grand design / An everlasting sign / Of all the things you are to me. " ♫♫♫

Did you know that when you sleep, you say the sweetest of things?
Did you know that when I slept this morning, I dreamed of the sweetest of things?
Want to take a guess? I'll give you two hints.
It wasn't sweetened tea with almond milk, nor homemade cake.
I dreamed of a fine piece of work that starts and ends with the letter 'A.'

Amaya, when I think about you, butterflies flutter in my stomach.

Diamond's watching me write this letter, listening to the music I'm playing on my smartphone.
Not too long ago, she saw one of my tears bleed into the paper. She gave me a cup of water, asked if I'm alright. I've never felt so happy to say that I wasn't── that I wasn't alright because there was so much joy in my heart that I could just burst. And I did, I did burst. I still am.
It's just... it's just that it's such a relief to say that I love you. I've held it in for so long, so, so long... it's such a fucking relief. And yet, it's not enough. I want to say it a hundred more times. A thousand more times. A million more... is this what it's like to be on Cloud Nine?
Come over this weekend, Amaya, and you'll hear me say it in person, over and over and over again.

With much love,
Desirae

P.S. - I love you. I miss you. Come see me this weekend. There's so much I want to tell you.
P.P.S. - Keep the keys.