Not Your Fault

(A/N): I haven't purposely self harmed in almost a year now, and I was having thoughts of burning myself while doing homework, so I stopped homework to come and rant in the form of a story, hurting Jisung yet again in the place of I. 🥲

Please read with a bit of caution although I don't think that this is that bad? Idk, but be careful!!

I think I wrote this in 4 hours, no breaks, so yeah. If it seems rushed, it is. If you see mistakes, no duh. The ending was extremely out of place and I'm sorry!!! I just didn't know how to end it!!

Please enjoy reading, though!

          He couldn't sleep. His body was exhausted and his brain hurt, and he had a headache and he just wanted to sleep, even if to just get some relief, but his mind wouldn't shut off. He had extra dance practice today, and he almost collapsed half way through, again. He didn't know why his body was getting so weak. He ate every time he was hungry, and had another water bottle in his hand every time he finished one off. He slept fine-ish every night. He knew that he had to have been doing less work than his members, so why was his body so tired? He knew that he wasn't eating as much as he used to, but he was eating! Everytime his stomach said 'Hi!' he ate. So why?

          Maybe he just wasn't cut out for the idol life. Or hell, maybe he wasn't cut out for life at all. He couldn't help but feel that everyone would be better off without him, because let's face the truth, who would want to hang out with such a sore loser like Jisung? He was fat, not skinny like Felix was. He was short, not tall like Hyunjin. He was annoying and not quiet-but-witty like Seungmin was. He was just so unloveable, unlike how loved Jeongin was. And not to mention attention seeking, the opposite of everything Chan was. Changbin was precious to the team, carrying everyone and complementing everyone's personalities with his, unlike Jisung who swallowed them up and put them down with his. And unlike Minho, he didn't have a reason to be on the team. Minho gave everything his all and completed everything with 100% accuracy, and was so amazing and perfect and just him. Jisung was nothing. He put in all his effort and got nowhere. He put in everything he had and still had no way to run when all his energy was spent. He was nothing to his team, and could be replaced. Stay Kids should've been 7 members. Not 8. Never should've been 8.

~

          He just woke up. He remembered people trying so hard to wake him up, but he couldn't. He felt them shake him, felt their joking words pierce his heart, felt them leave him alone after trying to wake him for 45 minutes straight. He wasn't able to move his body or open his eyes. He just felt their words.

          Without realizing, he was glaring at the clock. The poor thing was being violated by his gaze. It read 3:23. His breathing picked up. The dried tear tracks on his face itched, but he left them alone. He deserved all the annoyance he got, because he was too a nuisance who annoyed others.

          The once dried tear tracks turned into wet ones over time. Hyunjin was in Jeongin's bed. He was sleeping, too. He'd been one to try to wake him up this morning though, so he must have been napping. In courtesy of him, he should keep his ugly mouth shut so he doesn't wake him up. He turned away from Hyunjin and the shouting clock, which in reality, was silent. He just wanted to leave.

~

           "Jisung, are you okay?" Jisung knew he wasn't okay, but why would he worry about himself? He'd just woke Hyunjin up, and Hyunjin was sleeping and he just rudely woke him up. His breathing got heavier, but it felt like he couldn't breathe at all, no air was going through his mouth or nose, and he couldn't breathe.