the secrets we keep🥀 (deez nutz x dazai)

the saviour

dazai, as they called him, was a deez nuts joke master. he has NEVER ever lost a prank. chuuya has fallen prey to one too many L's.

needless to say, dazai had a small obsession. bahka.

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dazai was committing his daily morning suicide. currently, he was hanging from a support beam; ngl, the wood had a really hot grainy texture. kinda turning him on uwu. silly baka.

as he felt his neck constrict, the rope tightening under his weight, instead of feeling relieved, dazai felt fear. this was the first time that's ever happened.

"hm strange silly goose, but why?" he mused...

then it hit him. and by hit him, it was literal. all the sudden, dazai felt something robust, moist, and radiating heat drag slowly across his face. it left a little snail trail uwu (it seemed to be secreting weird white liquid).

he was scared to open his eyes. but at the same time, it was a familiar deja vu type feeling. he felt safe. loved, validated even.

"who's dragging their weird slimy form across my face! you're interrupting my hanging baka rawr!!"

then a deep, raspy, borderline voice murmured; "deez nuts"

dazai has never felt his eyes snap open so fast...

"DEEZ NUTS!?"

dazai couldn't help exclaim that statement. this has to be some sort of sick prank by chuuya as revenge... no, but how come they felt so... sentient? could it be an animatronic??

suddenly, dazai felt that radiating heat inching closer to his face again.

"shhh, do not fret dazai. it is just i, your deepest desire. it seems you've called upon my true form, in your time of need. only deez nuts users who truly understand and appreciate the culture can do so. you, young smol bean, are a chosen one. a disciple if you will."

dazai was trembling. here; out of all possible suicide outcomes, he seems to have summoned the deez nuts lord instead of sweet, sweet death.

honestly, he felt a grin creep onto his face. what a time to be alive!

"say, deez nuts... now that i've summoned you, what exactly am i supposed to do?"

deez nuts lord glanced over his hanging form cautiously.

"well, i'd love to enlighten you but i'd prefer if you weren't hanging from your neck struggling to breathe. not that i don't like seeing you struggle a little, heh"

dazai felt his heart skip a beat.

just what will this fateful encounter entail? he's very glad he didn't die today.

REACHED THE END OF CHAPTER ONE SILLY GOOSE STAY TUNED🥰