“Fake happiness is the worst sadness.”
She looked at me as she walked down the aisle, a smile stretching on her face, and I returned the smile. A smile--which is fake and pure of sadness. I looked at her eyes filled with tears of joy, which brought me back to the past.
“Love, can we talk? I won’t take up too much of your time, don’t worry.” She stated without any expression on, which made me anxious.
“Sure, what do you want to talk about, love?” I walked towards her as I closed my laptop, solely focusing my attention at her. I was about to hug her when she stepped back, piercing her orbs right into mine. She stood still and stiff, building her ground.
“Do you still...love me?” She asked, making me puzzled and confused. I answered without any second thoughts nor hesitation, “Of course, I do. I still do love you.”
“Do you mean it?” I nod my head. “Then why do I feel like I’m not loved?” I saw a tear fell down her cheeks, which forced her to look down. I became dumbfounded as I watch her chest heaving up and down as numerous of sobs escaped her lips.
“What made you think like that?” I confusingly asked. “Are you numb or you are just not trying to know? There’s this question in my mind, do you even know a single thing about me?”
She became silent while I couldn’t move, making me feel like my feet were nailed on the ground. “Love,” I started but before I could say anything further, she cut me off. “Stop calling me in that way when you don’t really mean it.”
“I mean it, I do, I always do. I am always true with my words, whatever I say to you, I’m always sincere.”
“Woah, woah,” she clapped her hands sarcastically, smiling bitterly as her tears continued to crash down her face. “What about the broken promises? The forgotten special events? What about those?”
“Ya, I can explain. . .”
“You don’t need to explain! I know everything, I understand everything! I am not stupid not to know that you don’t love me, Na!”
“I am damn tired of this, I am tired crying every single night hoping that everything will come back to the way it used to when I wake up. But guess what, my hope failed me. Well, what’s new? It always does anyway. Every single time.”
“When you forgot my birthday, it was alright. When we didn’t get to spend Valentine’s Day together, it was alright. But Na, aren’t you too much? You even forgot our anniversary. Can’t you even spare a single day for me?”
“I’ve made reading as my time killer. But hell, I’ve grew envious of the female characters, because their man always do anything just to make them happy. How about my man? He always give me pain and even after those I still love him with all of my heart’s broken pieces.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t happy anymore?” I spoke with my voice shaky, lips trembling.
“Because I’m afraid to lose you. Then I realized, we all deserve better. But sometimes, it’s far more worth it to fight for the person that is fighting with you despite the odds. Rather than live with the best, but never feel valued at all. You are the perfect one but I think you are not the right one for me, Na.”
Never did I imagine that a single sentence could shatter me to the core.
“Can’t we start over again, Ya? Can’t you give me another chance? Can’t we give another shot for our relationship?”
“I can’t. I am afraid to be hurt again, I think that’s enough. I already did my part for trying to hold all of the pain inside, didn’t I? I believe that this time, I should choose myself, shouldn’t I?”
“Thank you for the broken heart. Thank you for the permanent scars. Thank you for letting me feel how torturing pain was. I am grateful for having the privilege of knowing and learning new things from you. Because at least I’ve experienced how to love and how to be loved--even in just a short period of time. Thank you for the memories. Thank you for everything.”
She walked a step closer to me, embracing me in a hug which made me broke into tears. Sobbing in between her arms. “Sshh, I’m still your bestfriend.” And it broke me more, knowing that this woman, no matter how much pain I’ve gave her, still remained as the most caring.
“I’m sorry. I know that a billion of my sorry could never heal the wounds I’ve caused you, but still I’m sorry.”
A tap on my shoulder woke me up from my trance. I looked at James as he asked, “What are you thinking about? I’ve been talking to you for more than 5 minutes but you were just looking ahead, not listening to me.”
“S-Sorry, what are you talking about again?”
The wedding flowed smoothly, and now we are at the reception. The bride and groom were dancing. And I’m getting fidgety every single second passing by, knowing that I would render my speech for the newlywed couple later.
“And now, let us hear the best man of the groom’s speech. A round of applause for Nadech everyone!”
I cleared my throat, before starting, “First of all, cheers to this newlywed couple! Congratulations you guys! I am happy to know that the both of my best friend are already in the right hands. Man, you take care of Yaya huh, don’t you ever make her cry or else I’ll beat you up to death.” He laughed as his bestfriend and Yaya whose hands were entangled laughed as well.
“Kidding aside, take care of each other, and don’t let one of you feel like not loved. Bro, love and treasure Yaya the way she deserves to be. She’s fragile and she needs a man who’ll protect her, and you’re definitely that man.” He failed to fought off his tears as a stray tear fell down his cheek.
“Are you crying, man?” The groom asked as he suppress his laugh.
“Just tears of joy for you guys. I don’t want my speech to be as long as a novel, so I’ll end it here. Congratulations again to you both, may you stay together forever.”
After rendering his speech, he excused himself. He told them that there’s an emergency meeting in his work. His super lame excuse never failed to be unnoticed by Yaya.
When he’s finally alone, he let his tears be free. Sobbing as hard as he can. Millions of regrets coming in his mind.
I should be that man if only I’ve gave her the love she lacked of because of me.
What if I had noticed that she is not happy with me anymore sooner?
What if I had gave her all of my time when I still had the chance?
What if I did every single thing with her before?
What if I had let her know how important she is to me? Would it make a difference?
I don’t know what phase of stupidness I’ve been through before,
But the only thing I’m sure of,
Is that I loved her. I still do.
And now, I live with uncountable regrets caused by a beautiful disaster.
