Works| 2 pieces from the novel, Heartbeat. Written| November 2013.
Sometimes I wonder what people see when they look at me. Do they see the same person I do? Or are they too blind to see the truth, the bad. They don’t want to accept what’s in front of them so they disguise the bad with good.
“You look great today, better than before.”
“Someone looks healthy.”
I stared into the mirror studying my reflection, ‘liars’ I thought, everyone felt obligated to tell me I looked good this morning when in front of the mirror I indeed I looked like shit. My long brown hair tangled from root to end, looking quite like a rats nest, to the dark circle bags under my hazel eyes, slightly smeared eyeliner from the day before.
I let my hands travel down my body to my stomach where I lifted my sweater viewing my piercing-less belly button. Curse these bloody rules about having no jewelry on our bodies. I missed my bellybutton ring. I missed a lot of things. My flat stomach for one, was a main thing I missed most. Ever since I got here 3 days ago, one of the Doctors goals was to fatten me up and luckily for them their plan was working. For the pills I've been forced to swallow made me hungrier than tiger tearing at its freshly caught antelope. Pricks.
Sighing, I brought my hands back up to my face pinching my cheeks, before glancing down at my bandaged wrist. I stared at the white wrap around it, noticing some scattered spots that seemed to be seeping with the colors red and purple. It needed to be changed soon. I lifted my face up to where I was met with my reflection once again, gazing at my forehead. How lovely it looked to have stitches across the corner in the shape of a rainbow. That’s definitely going to leave a beautiful scar.
“Persephone!” a voice sung, startling me out of my own skin losing my train of thought. I looked away from my reflection towards Raymond one of the visors who stood in my doorway smiling widely.
I personally didn’t understand how the girls went crazy over him, he always gave off that creepy pedo, I want to taste your insides and get between your thighs vibe. Maybe that’s why the girls liked him now that I think about it, they could be into the whole perverted bastard type. Being trapped inside these rooms and halls these girls may be dying to get laid any chance they come upon. Hm.
“What?” I responded bored out of my mind. “You’re late for group, I suggest you hurry that little ass of yours over there.” Sighing I bit back my tongue from making any smart remark towards him, “Fine.” I rolled my eyes looking back at my reflection, “I’ll be there in a minute.”
Listening to the sound of Raymond’s footsteps grow faint, I let out a deep sigh slightly touching my stitched forehead with my index finger before flinching at the instant pain rush through me. Biting my lip I brought my finger once again to my stitch pushing down making my eyes squint. I let out a small yelp when I pushed too hard to where I couldn’t handle the pain any longer. Dropping my hands back down to my side I gave myself one last glance, smiling wide with satisfaction before exiting my housing unit.
*** *** ***
I stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, eyes that once shined bright were now dark orbs stained with tears and clumps of mascara, my eyes no longer shined. Wiping my eyes and cheek with the sleeves of my shirt, I glanced at the wounds I made weeks before. My gaze returned to my reflection in the mirror making my body tense filling with every emotion that I hid inside.
Sadness, Bitterness, Anger, Jealously, and Hatred. I was a balloon being filled up with helium, filled up so much that eventually there would be nothing left to do but pop. Now would be the time. I let my tears fall freely screaming at the top of my lungs hitting and knocking anything and everything in reach.
Perfumes fell off the counter filling the room with various scents, towels piling around my feet as I continued trashing my bathroom, screaming, throwing, and releasing all the pain I’ve hidden away. My brother, best friend, parents, boyfriend; I wanted to forget, forget them all, forget me. My hands gripped the counter, holding me up from falling down.
Breathing in and out slowly I listened to my rapid heartbeat take over. My bathroom looked like a tornado had hit. Magazines ripped, perfume bottles shattered, towels scattered, shower curtain busted along with the dresser and it drawers spread along the floor. As I looked around my bathroom observing the mess I made I found myself laughing. Laughing because I was crying; I finally cracked.
For once I didn’t bite my tongue and keep things hidden down at the pit of my stomach. I didn’t feel numb inside, no, the pain within my chest vanished during the destruction of my bathroom, all I could feel was the adrenaline pumping. My laughter subsided turning into small giggles falling softer as I lifted my gaze to my mirror.
When my eyes met my own, my smile fell, laughter disappearing from the air. The hazel eyes looking back at me were no longer mine; belonging to someone else far from myself. The eyes staring back at me were dark, empty, cold and mostly, lost.
