the art of saying goodbye

after effect

"Garcia! He has a gun!"

Penelope scrambled for the gun on the table and shot the man just before he could shoot her. She couldn't really hear anything- she could barely tell that she was rambling- but through the ringing she could just make out Spencer's words.

"Garcia... you saved my life..."

Penelope looked down at Spencer's grave, where she had just arranged a large variety of flowers and notes and pictures around the foot of the headstone. "Guess that was a one time thing, huh?" She whispered, her voice barely working. It was hard to believe that he had been gone for three months. 

It was hard to believe that he was gone.

What was easy to believe, however, was how much the team had changed because of it. 

Maybe it was good Hotch was more open with his emotions. But that was only because he was in a deep state of depression, and he didn't know how to hide it.  He had lost Haley, his wife, and now Spencer, who had been an odd mix between brother and son to him. But whether Hotch had lost a son or a brother didn't matter, because in either instance of great tragedy, Spencer was gone. And this was the second time Hotch had a chance to save a loved one-- and failed. He was considering quitting his job: the BAU didn't need him, and maybe they never did.

Rossi didn't like being alone because, any time he was, the empty room would remind him that something-- someone-- was missing, and he wouldn't be coming back. Every morning, he would look over the bullpen and feel relief that all of his agents had come to work that morning. Sending them home felt like a death sentence-- what if something happened to one of them? Would the team-- would he-- be able to take it? They had taken Spencer for granted time and time again, but this time there was no lesson and no chance to do better. This consequence was more permanent. Rossi henceforth vowed never to take his team granted again. He payed them every respect, offered every kindness, cherished them, and helped them. He would always be there if anyone on his team had a problem. But the team wasn't as sure about Rossi as he was of them. No matter how much they confided in him, he would never burden them with feelings he didn't know how to express. They couldn't tell if he even felt anything about Spencer's death.

JJ had changed massively. She had once been known for being a kind-hearted , smiling presence that would be the most helpful comforting victims or consoling families. Now, she was a grim faced, no nonsense profiler ready to rip apart anyone in the interrogation room. She had, like Hotch, turned to her work. She drowned herself in it-- she was confused enough that she thought it was helping her. It was like she thought that finding Spencer's killer would bring him back-- so naturally she became even worse when the case was dropped and filed as unsolved. Not only was her work life devouring her, but her home life was receding. Will had just packed his and Henry's bags and announced that he was taking Henry on a trip to give him a break and a distraction. 

"Look, I know things are bad for you, I understand that. I'm not mad, I'm not even disappointed." He had whispered. "But Henry sits up in bed every night, thinking that you aren't actually gonna come home. He keeps asking me when he's gonna see Uncle Spencer again. I don't know what to tell him-- and I get that you're avoiding answering him, too. But we can't lie to him forever, and you can't avoid us completely. I know you're busy, but you promised you would get a break soon and spend some time with him. Three months ago. At this point he thinks you were lying, and that you don't wanna see him. I'm gonna take him on a trip and let him have a breather. It's okay if you aren't any better when we get back, I don't expect you to solve all your problems while we're gone." He had paused and sighed sadly. "It would be better if you came, too.... but I know what work is to you right now. I wouldn't ask you to leave it." He had kissed her on the forehead, and said goodbye.