Building Blocks - My Rape Story.

'Building Blocks'

"Are you Okay?" a question that I hear all too often, from far too many strangers.  Some of you may be thinking 'Well it's because people care about you' but there within lies the irony wrapped in a silver bow; people don't care. People want you to say that you're fine, in fact they expect it. Don't get me wrong I know there are good people in the world who probably genuinely want to make sure that people are okay, I just haven't met many of those people. In high school like a lot teenage girls I was on an emotional rollercoaster that was headed downhill fast,  I grew up with young, drug addicted parents who showed me real fast what the 'real world' was like and how it would treat me. By the time I was 12 I had already been molested by a family member, by thirteen I was filling my lungs with weed smoke and drinking hard liquor like it was going out of style. By the time I was a freshman in high school my days and nights consisted of partying with people who I thought were my friends and blacking out on Xanax bars with my father forgetting all of our guilt that had been haunting us for years. I was in an extremely toxic and volatile relationship that was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive for over two years on and off. Right before freshman year was about to end my bestfriend at the time Bob had invited me over to his house to talk because he was upset about a breakup and had said he needed a friend so of course without thinking or hesitation I went, not realizing that this would be the day that truly changed the course of my life forever... 

    When I first got to Bobs house everything was fine, we went into his room to talk about everything and chill. We smoked a bong pack which was completely normal for me I had been smoking since early middle school years at this point, after we got done smoking Bob opened up to me saying that his girlfriend had cheated on him and he felt super depressed about everything he asked why he wasn't good enough and what was wrong with him of course I told him that it wasn't anything he did and sometimes people do shitty things for no reason. He proceeded to thank me for coming over and talking to him and he rested his head on my shoulder *it's important to note that I was a virgin at the time & Bob and I were never romantically involved before this. He would always flirt with me and stuff but he acted like it was a joke and I always turned him down in an extremely blunt manner* but I felt bad that his girlfriend had cheated on him so I let him rest his head on my shoulder, after a minute he began to try feeling me up, reaching to put his hands down my pants; I told him no with a nervous laughter following , he didn't listen. I thought he thinks I'm joking so I said very sternly NO. Still didn't listen he was begging me "oh just for a second please" "I'll be fast" I continued to say no, after over 25 minutes of me saying no and moving away he pulled my pants off, grabbed my hips and pulled me on top of him at this point I was visibly scared, it's like my lips were frozen shut in that moment I managed to get one thing out "Please don't, stop." Bob didn't care he pushed my hips down onto him thrusting up hard into me. I cried out in pain, but he didn't care if anything my cry seemed to excite him. I laid still on top of him for the entirety of the rape. I made no sounds other than yelps of pain I couldn't hold in, I didn't want to give him the satisfaction I remember looking down for a second at his face his mouth wide open, eyes rolled halfway into the back of his head there was sweat around his mouth and under his eyes. I looked down and there was blood, a lot of blood. When he was finished with using me he pushed me off of him, stood up and said "Tightest Pussy Ever" with a smile on his face. I stood up without saying anything and walked into the bathroom, I felt numb, dirty, used and confused. I remember being confused by the lack of emotions I was feeling at the time, I kept telling myself no he's my friend he didn't rape me I just didn't convey myself clearly enough; he thought I was joking. Those thoughts circulated in my head for years and as much as I hate to admit it sometimes they still do. I sat down on the toilet and looked down, my inner thighs and calves were covered in blood and I had bite marks on my shoulder that were already starting to bruise. I looked in the mirror for what felt like forever and headed back to his bedroom, I started to gather my clothes off the cold hardwood floor and get dressed, I called my aunt who was late to picking me up and went outside to wait. Halloween had just passed and the air was cold and crisp against my face and it stung the bite marks on my shoulder when the wind pushed through my sweater. I saw my aunts headlights pull up and got into the car and as if nothing happened I smiled at her and we began to talk  about my day, as if I hadn't just been raped by my bestfriend. As if my virginity wasn't just quite literally stolen from me. When I got home I went upstairs in my room and started to become extremely upset with myself, finding anything to excuse what had just happened to me as my fault. It wasn't long before I had convinced myself it was all a big misunderstanding and Bob would never ever hurt me.