They say you'll never forget your first love. Maybe that's why I've kept this journal instead of burning it like all my other ones from when I was a teenager. It's battered and missing some pages throughout, but it holds the memories from my senior...
Every single time I get a new journal, I feel like I can't write in it. The pages are too crisp, too white, too innocent. I don't want to ruin anything with the crazy ramblings of my life. But I can't just not do it because I know I'll lose my mind if I don't at least try to reflect on the events of my days. It's either that or scream at the world -- and I know by personal experience that screaming doesn't fulfill anything for me. But the pages stare back at me, almost daring me to leave them blank, to keep them empty of my musings, of my drawings, of my rants.
Still, here I am, writing in this new journal, even if it pains my soul. I shouldn't even be writing in this one yet since I haven't finished up with my other journal yet. But I knew Mom was going shopping today, so I added one little thing to her grocery list: a simple notebook. Surprisingly, she didn't notice the different handwriting on her list, so she came home with this notebook for me.
I don't want to write too much on this page because I'm still writing in my other diary. This diary will hopefully detail my senior year of high school -- the last bit of prison I have until I am finally free. I can't wait until then. Hopefully, I'll survive and then fly away from this small town and never to return.
- Orchid, April 3rd, 1994
---
Looking back at this little notebook -- the only notebook I kept from my teenage years -- I realize a lot of things. One, that I thought I knew everything about the world. Two, that I knew everything about life itself. Three, that I knew what love meant. The thing is, I knew nothing about anything. I was like a little baby facing things I didn't know how to handle, and I faced it in some of the worst ways possible.
But I also realize that I needed those events to make me who I am today. If I didn't have any of this stuff that I write about in this journal happen to me, then I wouldn't be here right now, reminiscing about being eighteen. Everything made me who I am today. Maybe it didn't make me a stronger or better person, but I couldn't have gotten to where I am today without younger me. I don't even know why I'm writing in this journal or why I've kept it. All I know is that it's still with me after all these years.
I'm running out of room now, but I just want to say one thing to younger me: you made it out of this little town. You survived. And I love you.
- Orchid, many years later
P.S. I couldn't help myself -- I paperclipped two pictures, one of me, and one of the boy who saved my life. I also added some songs that reminded me of my life before now. Hopefully, they'll inspire me to reach out and find who I was back then. Hopefully, they'll remind me of everything I left behind.
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nicer by katelyn tarver
jealousy, jealousy by olivia rodrigo
to love someone else by avery lynch
teenage diary by lexi jayde
what could be by vacation manor
debbie downer by lolo feat. maggie lindemann
popular girl, typical boy by powfu feat. sleep.ing
cool by landon austin
prom dress by mxmtoon
wish came true by kj apa
mirrors by justin timberlake
heart of mine by the driver era
like the 90s by here at last
cigarettes by zachary knowles
don't forget about me by night traveler
stay the night by lost stars
she's so cool by jadn
hopeless romantic by nightbreakers
who do you think you are by ava kolker
give me a kiss by crash adams
whenever you call by doublecamp
high school love by daniel leggs
dirt on your dress by brooks the boy
i can love anyone (as long as it's you) by anson seabra
confident by tyler shaw and sacha
don't go wasting time by new hope club
only human by jonas brothers
someone by ewan mainwood
tonight by zayn
the cool kid by chris james
get in the way by glades
come back to me by keith urban
uptown girl by billy joel
fight! by ellise
past life by morgan st jean
faking it by kay cook
out of my league by lany
dancin' away with my heart by lady a
until i met you by coby james
human diary by danielle bradbury
cross your mind by role model
pockets by peach tree rascals
on purpose by ni/co
ruthless by james arthur
when we were young by hollow coves
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Rights belong to Nickelodeon and the creators of Are You Afraid of the Dark. I only own Orchid and her story.
