And After All This You're Still Mine

A/N: TW/CW: Minor mentions of sexual harassment, internalized homophobia, general lesbophobia, a fight between siblings (it's a small fight), religious guilt, (possibly) anxiety/panicking, and feeling trapped.

Internalized homophobia mod makes pansexuality 100 times funnier.

-me, a pansexual undergoing another self-deprecation crisis

Listen, it's not that Hungary was homophobic, no. It was just that she couldn't see herself in a relationship with another woman. Actually- perhaps that wasn't true either.

It was more that she could imagine herself in a relationship with another woman so easily that put her off. She actively supported the community whenever she could but when it came to herself it all felt so surreal, but, like some sort of a moth to some thousand-degree-candle she always came back to those thoughts. Those thoughts of lying in the soft embrace of her wife, those thoughts of going to see a movie sometime (it didn't matter the subject as long as she could be there with her), those thoughts of even sword fighting in the yard, whooping and laughing maniacally.

Of course all of these things could be accomplished with a man too, and that had fared quite well for a while. She had loved Austria, she really had. (Hell, she still loved him, but they had both moved on and that was alright.) And... maybe it was for the better that they had.

Their marriage had been great, pretty much up until the last moments of it, when they kissed goodbye for the last time and vowed that this divorce was truly the promise they wouldn't break. It wasn't exactly unexpected, nation marriages never lasted forever, (and when they did end without a divorce the real reason was more often that both parties just so happened to be dead before any big legal removal occurred). So really when they answered those vows all that time ago with their separate "I do"s they were already aware of their blatant lies in the face of the Church. Sometimes she wished they could be together once more, but when she found her mind drifting to the faces of other nations she knew she was just making up excuses.

As if painting over her ex-husband's face she replaced the memories with day dreams of other colleagues.

Sometimes she would be having some friendly banter with Ukraine over what their dinner should be, sometimes she was dueling on the balcony garden with Seychelles, sometimes she was even falling asleep next to Belarus' form. The best of all the day dreams, however, were the ones with Belgium. She wasn't sure if it was the taste of that woman's cooking or the smell of her hair that drove her so wild, but it was certainly something. She wasn't thinking up anything insulting or invasive, of course, but sometimes it was hard not to wonder what she looked like in a miniskirt and a sports bra.

See? Nothing invasive or inappropriate.

(At least she hoped it would offend her. She really, really, really hoped that the beautiful nation wouldn't be bothered by her straying thoughts, just in case she found it in her to date a girl.)

At times, even just to comfort herself, she wondered if the other secretly imagined the same questions as her.

It was funny that she was asking these roundabout questions. Seriously, she could have sworn she wasn't attracted to women- not like that, not like anything!

Sometimes it got frustrating, waiting for one of the logical voices in her mind to beat the other in it's contest. Because at this point there was no hiding it from herself, she liked girls at least as much as she did men... but on some days that other voice would pop in and remind her that she was still 'straight'.

'Yeah right,' the wlw voice would retort, "just about as straight as Germany when a pretty Italian man walks into the room,"

But even snarky comments didn't seem to be enough because the first voice would always jump back in with another semi-logic-defying explanation for her and women. 'It's just a fetish,' it would say, giving little to no explanation as to why this was supposed to make sense, 'Get over yourself,' it would add before going on to taunt her with the shameful 'reality' of wanting to watch a man and a woman 'do it' in front of her. (Despite the fact that she had never found porn of such relationships all that and beyond.)