make you feel okay

prologue

Summer, 2016

"Truth or dare, Pen?"

The hotel room is dark, except for the tiny nightlights illuminating the entryway and the bathroom door. The moon is just bright enough to cast a faint rectangle of light on the covers, where me and my two best friends are curled up, trying, and failing, to be quiet enough to fall asleep. It's our first night in Japan, and no one is tired. So instead of sleeping, we decided we'd rather pass the time the fun way.

It's just the three of us, Drew, Billie, and me. We've all been best friends for as long as I can remember. We're all in the same year in choir, and since the first day in third grade, when our director put us all in a row like little ducklings, we've been inseparable.

"Pen!" Drew's eyes shine in the dim light as she settles her chin farther into her hotel pillow. Her long brown hair settles in waves around her face. I stare straight back at her with the same daring glint. "Truth or dare?" She repeats herself.

"Truth," I reply, scrunching up my nose. Beside me, Billie groans and rolls onto her back.

"Don't be so fucking boring," she drones, pulling the skin under her eyes. "Pick something else this time!" She doesn't have time to move out of the way before a pillow smacks her in the forehead. "Ack!" She tumbles off the bed in a tangle of limbs.

"How's that for boring?" I say, leaning over the bed to gloat. The pillow I tossed is over her face, and she shakes it off, a mischievous look in her bright blue eyes.

"Pussy," she whispers, staring me down.

"If you're so desperate for a dare, why haven't you taken a dare yet, Bil?"

She narrows her eyes to slits, her mouth splitting into a devilish grin. "Because," she says, glaring at me from just above the pillow.

"Penny, truth or dare!" Drew repeats herself again, rolling her eyes. "Or are you two gonna bedroom eyes each other all night?" Billie covers her head with the pillow and suppresses a laugh, and I bite my lip, rolling my eyes and turning back to Drew.

"I said truth, so do truth," I tell her. I duck my head just in time to avoid the pillow that Billie tosses in my direction. "Missed me!" I taunt.

Drew grins at me. "Okay. Umm, how about," she pauses, chewing on her lips as she thinks of a question that I surely won't want to answer. Still on the ground, Billie pipes up.

"Who was your first kiss?" She calls from the floor. My heart skips a beat, and I feel my cheeks go red. When I don't answer right away, Billie's silver-topped head pokes up over the beside, staring at me like a cat stalking a mouse. "What, scared to tell me?" She pokes me in the side.

"That's a good one," Drew says. She nods to me, smiling. "Come on, Pen, who was it??"

I avoid their gazes and flop onto my back, staring at the ceiling as if there's suddenly something much more interesting to look at there. "Ok fine, dare," I huff, rolling my eyes. I hope that in the dark, they can't see that my face is a nice vibrant shade of pink. I couldn't possibly admit to either of them that I've never kissed anyone before in my life. Except for my mom.

"Too late!" Billie practically squeals. "Gotta tell us who it is, Penny!" She hops up onto the bed so that her head is above mine, forcing us to make eye contact. Her hair grazes my cheeks. "Spill it!"

Drew gasps, slapping her hands over her mouth. "Omg, Pen. It's not her brother, is it? Is that why you won't say??" Billie's eyes widen and she snaps her head in Drew's direction, and then back at me.

"You better not say you kissed Finneas─ that's fucking gross!" She pretends to vomit, falling onto the bed and clutching her stomach as if she's in unbearable pain. I sit upright like a needle, shaking my head so hard I think I might have shaken a tooth loose.