It's been dark these past few months. It's like I manifested all my deepest darkest fears and they've now become part of my reality. As a kid mornings tend to relieve you from the fear of darkness, yet in my case, I dread for the mornings because it only means the rise of another dark episode. It's hard to understand why I'm held captive with my own thoughts. One would think since it's ones own, you'd think you'd have control of it. However, that's not always the case, sometimes it comes creeping in behind you like a thief at night, sometimes it comes flooding in and becomes to heavy to hold.
I try to rationalize my thoughts to bring myself back to a sense of sanity for even a brief moment so I can work my way out of mental slavery, but it's a struggle. I try to find distractions, a muse perhaps to rid my mind of these needless thoughts with hopes that these demons may leave me if I paid no heed to them. Medication only drives me to this trans where I'm forced to believe the grass is greener on the other side, but the aftermath becomes far more worse. I can't make one move without having the idea of a possible death by some irrational way. I can't turn the fan on without the thought of the possibility that it may just fall off and cut my head off. In my head, everyone is out to get me, everyone in the street becomes a potential pick pocket, every car driver a reckless one, every merchant a cheat, and the list goes on. I open my chest and hold my head high as I walk so as to look intimidating, to fend of the hypothetical thieves and bad people, this probably is tied to my child hood trauma of having a violent and alcoholic Dad who would hit you just because he wasnt in a good mood or something possed him off at work. On the flip side of it, I become self conscious of my existence in terms of what role I play for people around me, so every sad face, I assume is caused my me. Every bad thing that happens with the people around me, I can't help but think it's caused because of my presence, even when it's evident that it's not. I could trust a person with my whole life but have the fear of them speaking ill of me when I'm not around. Could this be the repercussions of having grown up around people that are two faced and hypocritical people. People who tend to talk about how bad one person is behind closed doors and treat that same person with the utmost respect soon as they turn up? Could that be why I question people's perception sometimes?
But why do I feel the need to?
Why am I this way?
I've heard countless, "stay strong", " Think positive ", " It always rains before the rainbow", "look on the bright side".
Oh! Believe me I've tried. I've tried to follow the light, at times I've come close, but being too weak, I succumb to the beckoning of my fears till it's cold grasp grips my soul and places it is solitary. All I see is four walls around me, a small opening on one side to let in a little ray of light, just enough to remind me I'm not dead yet, but neither am I living.
Still having my sanity intact, I find ways to try and answer the questions in my head, over come my fears and ultimately, think less. If only I could find answers. My efforts bear no fruit, I grow tired of such failure, I become aggressive, frustrated and angry for such hopelessness. This feeling then drives me to become a person who is difficult to deal with, wouldn't answer unless it benefited me. Avoided any social interaction or confrontation, I kept my circle small. Small being just me and my thought, I steer clear from small talk and every "stupid" Question thrown at me by people to try and engage in conversation is put down by a series of literal answers which could have easily been avoided by a simple one worded answer or even a gesture.
My social skills have been at an all time low, I'd rather stay locked in my room than have company. I crave for companionship at times but the thought never lingers that long. I choose to distance myself because I think it helps minimize the damage I may cause if I were there. Partly because, being one that actually likes to talk, I hate that I have to bite my tongue at times, rethink what I want to say, or refrain from voicing out certain opinions just for the sake of someone else's feelings.
Relationships I get into always start out amazing, it's waves of happiness and rekindled hopes and dreams of having a possibly happier life, but my old friend anxiety pays a visit and starts to question every little thing about her and just like that we're back to square one. Every male in her life becomes a threat, insecurities about whether she really loves me, questioning whether I'm just a muse, perhaps just a rebound. Yeah, it gets to a point where it leads to unnecessary arguments which could be avoided just by not thinking the way I think. Now, a person can only have so much patience for a loved one until they snap. So, having been sick of arguments and unnecessary fights constantly, they choose to rid themselves of me, for good reason too.
I read somewhere that, "if you self sabotage a healthy relationship when you finally receive one, it may be because peace was never granted to you without a catch. Peace looks threatening when all you've ever known is chaos",
Now I think to myself, maybe that's why I'm insecure. I never sought myself as one to be loved or one deserving of love, so when I was given a taste of it, I did not know how to respond, it felt like there was always a clause for recieveing such love. Which leads me to question every little thing. It's just my luck that that's the part that they can't get, but you can't blame them either.
You can never win if you're me.
This is why I gave up.
It's all downhill from here.
I died today; but when you think about it, I never really lived.
