I never meant to be so cold

now you know it

He is only fourteen when their parents die.
Renly is even younger barely even a child thinks Stannis.
And when he looks at his younger brother he can't help but think that he can't do this not with Robert...beeing Robert, not with Renly beeing so young.
It is the first time in years that he cries and they are bitter tears full of a feeling he can't fully comprehend.
It feels like his heart has been ripped out of his chest.
No...it feels worse.
What am I going to do now?
There is still a part if Stannis waiting for his mother to answer him with her usual wisdom.
She had always known what she had to say and she had always known what to do.
And there is still a part of him that wishes for his fathers warm embrace.
When Stannis looks up at the dark, stormy sky he feels a single tear drop.
,,What am I going to do now?"
No one answers.
No one is there.
 
They never find their parents bodies. Swallowed by the sea.
Stannis can't help but feel even more betrayed at that.
How could the gods take them?
How could they deny us to bury them?
It makes Stannis burn with fury.
Instead of a burial they are going to do a littel quiet ceremony to say goodbye to them.
,,Where is mommy?"interrupts Renly thins voice his thoughts.
,,She is dead."replies Stannis without another thought.
And of course Renly starts crying, because he is a child and death is something strange and unfamiliar to him.
And Stannis looks at him and can't help but freeze.
Instead of comforting his littel brother he can only watch him burst in tears.
It is Robert who takes Renly in his strong arms and soothes him.
,,Don't scare him."snaps Robert at him and carrys Renly in his arms away.
Stannis watches them go, left with the vague feeling that he failed Renly and that Robert once again is mocking him.
He watches with envy as Robert soothes Renly and dries his tears.
He never did that for Stannis, if anything he tried to cause Stannis tears by mocking him and "rough housing" with him.
One time Stannis remembers Robert even broke his arm.
And still Robert is the one who calms Renly down.
 
Only two hours later Robert seems to have forgotten Renly and the ceremony and is deep into his cups.
Robert always liked wine, but this day his downfall into almost constant drunkenness started.
 
The next day when Stannis sits with Renly on his lap in the ceremony to say goodbye to their parents Robert isn't their.
It makes Stannis grind his teeth and it isn't the first time and it sure as hell isn't the last time.It's the start off an habit that will follow him trough life.
Littel Renly is wriggling on Stannis lap seemingly not understanding what is going on.
But what Renly seems to sense is the sad atmosphere and he looks close to crying.
In an attempt to be like Robert Stannis wraps his arms around Renly.
It isn't even close to the warm embrace Robert gave Renly.
But Stannis isn't Robert.
He is quiet and overthinking all the time.
He is cold.
But Renly seems to accept him and snuggles closer to him.
It's fine for now.
 
 
Robert leaves again.
,,You can't go, the castle needs their lord."snaps Stannis frustrated at Robert.
,,That is why I am leaving you behind."snaps Robert right back.
And it feels both insulting and flattering to know that Robert would trust him with the castle and he can't decided if he likes the possible responsibility or not.
,,I am not their lord."reminds Stannis him.
,,Thank the gods for that."growls Robert and with that he mounts his horse and rides away.
Stannis is left behind feeling frustrated and angry at the same time.
Now it is up to him to raise Renly and he tries.
He truly does.
But he isn't a man made to care for children.
Even a nusually easy child like Renly is hell for him.
 
 
,,It's easy."tries Stannis to tell Renly when he takes time from his duties as the manager of the castle off, to help his brother.
,,It isn't."replies Renly looking once again as if he is going to cry.
And Stannis sigh wich only makes Renly look even more ready to brake into tears.
Renly always had a soft heart, but it was too soft.
Stannis heart was always strong but it is too cold.
,,Just keep trying."says Stannis in the end and Hope's that is the right thing to say.
,,Sure."mutters Renly and stares at the the table instead of Stannis.
And once again Stannis feels as if he failed.
With a frown he stands up and looks down at Renly.
His young brother has an open and trusting face and his hair is falling onto his face once again.
Bis littel brothers blue eyes are the blue shade of a warm summer day.
For a second Stannis wants to reach out and pat Renly reassuring on the shoulder.
But he doesn't he just stands there awkward and then walks away.
Behind him Renly sniffles once again.
 
It's a warm day when Stannis reaches the news that his brother declared war.
War against the king.
It's a beautiful day when Stannis has to decided who he betrays.
His liege.
Or his brother.
,,I can't believe what he did."admits Stannis and stares at the letters in his hand.
,,He did what he thought was right."tries Cressen to reason and softly puts a hand on Stannis shoulder.
,,He did it because he wants a woman and because he doesn't care about all the people that are going to die."growls Stannis.
,,You know that isn't true."says Cressen ,,He is in love and young and naive."
,,Aren't I young too?"asks Stannis bitterly ,,And still he expects me to help him with a war."
,,He is asking you because he trust you."tells Cressen him softly in an attempt to ease the anger Stannis feels.
,,He is asking because he thinks I blindly obey him."mutters Stannis.
,,Does that mean you are going to help your liege?"asks Cressen.
,,No."says Stannis simply.
 
 
 
The war turns into a siege.
Never will Stannis forget how the unforgiving claws of hunger feel like.
Every day of his life the memory of that experience will be lurking in his mind.
The most horrible thing was to convince Renly to eat.
,,I don't want to eat that."snaps Renly at him looking at his older brother with resentment.
,,You have to."reasons Stannis and pushes the plate towards Renly.
,,Why don't you eat it?"asks Renly dryly and Stannis sighs.
,,You have to grow, you need it."replies Stannis coldly.
When Renly still doesn't move Stannis sighs.
,,Please."
With a snarl on his face Renly gives in and eats the rat only to storm out of the room the second he is done.
,,He will understand once he is old enough to understand it."assures Cressen Stannis.
,,He will never understand."replies Stannis coldly and leaves as well.
Eveyr day they get thinner and thinner.
In the end Stannis decides to give as much as of his food he can too Renly.
It's not something Renly really welcomes, especially not when they have to eat rats.
And Stannis knows that this is not how Renly should grow up.
His littel brother shouldn't be starving and he shouldn't have to wait for their older brother to finally set them free.
Sometimes Stannis wonders if Robert will let them die.
Sometimes he looks up at the sky and wonders how anyone could believe in any gods, godess or god.
Every time Stannis looks at Renly and realises with a jolt how thin Renly truly is he knows their is no god.
And even if there is any god, thinks Stannis, it must an unbelievable cruel god.
He knows that Renly cries at night, not every night, but Stannis heard him at least two times.
At the first time he stops and wonders if he should go in and comfort Renly.
But he doesn't.
In the end Stannis wouldn't know how and he doesn't understand Renly.
It still hurts to know that Renly is so deeply unhappy trough.
 
When Davos comes and saves them......
It is the first time for a year less or more that Stannis feels something other then the all consuming fear that they all are going to starve to death.
Of course he still has to cut off Davos fingertips.
A good deed doesn't erase a bad one.
He knows that none of the others understand, not the knights, not the soldiers and not even Cressen.
Renly off all understands it the least.
,,How could you, he saved us!"cries Renly out and looks at him...once again with resentment.
It is one of the moments that make Stannis wonder how he got Renly to hate him so much.
Deep down he knows it is because he is Stannis, the brother who never smiles or laughs, the cold brother.
,,It's just."replies Stannis, feeling unable to explain what he means and can only look helplessly at Renly.
Renly looks back with eyes full of cold fury.
Ours is the fury, think Stannis dryly and holds back a cold laugh.
 
For all his troubles Robert rewards him....with Dragonstone.
It is a slight Stannis will never forgive his brother.
But his brother gave him a duty so he does it and becomes the lord of Dragonstone.
Renly gets Storms End.
And this time it is Stannis who resents Renly.
 
,,Isn't it cool, I get my own castle!"tells Renly him with eyes full of joy.
Stannis barely holds his tongue and instant stabs his food with his fork.
Of course it is Robert's gift that makes Renly happy, thinks Stannis and friends his teeth.
Years later he knows that it isn't only Robert that divided him and Renly, above all he was guilty of separating them and cutting the bond bewtween them.
He just was too cold.
I never meant to be so cold, thinks Stannis.
 
Years later when he married Selyse and they finally make it to a bed chamber, after Robert disgraced him, Stannis curses his own coldness.
He can't conforming his crying wife, who is completely embarrassed by the coincidence with Robert and the florent woman.
When she sits down on the bed with tears flowing put of her eyes and hides her face with her hands Stannis can only watch her.
There is a part of him that thinks he should comfort her, but he doesn't know how.
In the end he sits down on the bed without touching her and looks uncomfortably at her.
,,I am sorry."tells Stannis not sure what he is apologising for, but he is pretty sure he is apologising for Robert.
She only sobs harder in response.
And Stannis watches her confused how he should comfort her.
 
Only a year later she is sobbing again, but this time it is above the loss of a child.
Once again Stannis stares at her, unmoving unable to figure out what to do.
Maybe she wants privacy?
,,Tell the servants to make sure she is undisturbed."tells Stannis Cressen in the end and the old man nods and looks sadly at Stannis.
He too feels the loss of the child.
Stannis personally still can't comprehend the loss of his child.
Of his son.
It would have been a son.
Would have.
Never will.
 
In the end he goes back to Selyse and sits down next to her and watches her cry.
She seems to break, with her sobs getting louder instead of quiter.
Stannis watches her.
At some point he speaks up.
,,Do you want to talk?"asks Stannis hoping it would help.
,,Go."says Selyse quietly and Stannis carefully gets up and leaves.
Only when he is sure that she won't hear him he brakes down and leans against the cold stone wall.
His temple makes contact with the cold smooth stone and his finger helplessly ckwa into the hard stone.
Finally the tears rollover his face and he quietly let's them fall.
His son.
His child.
Dead.
 
It's not the first child he loses and every time Stannis feels himself die a littel more.
Maybe, he thinks this is the way the universe punishes me for my coldness.
It seems to steal Stannis every air when a child dies and all of them.
Evry one of them.
Stannis buries them.
At some point he wonders if he should give them names.
Maybe that would make it hurt less.
Selyse doesn't seems to like the idea very much but in the end she agrees and they sit down and talk.
Petyr.
If he would have lived....
A boy, thinks Stannis with his blue eyes and Selyse prominent ears.
A boy filled the cold castle with his laughter and maybe he would have had Renlys warm smile.
Maybe the boy would have had Robert's easy charm.
Stannis will never know.
His son is dead.
They call the next one Tommard.
Stannis likes to think that his second son would have had black hair like him and he would have had a soft heart like his brother Renly.
And he would have had Selyse intelligence and Robert's good looks.
Stannis buries that son under a rose Bush.
Edric is his third son, the son who would have resembled him the most, imagines Stannis.
He would have been awkward like Stannis, but his brother would have helped him overcome his awkwardness.
He lays his last son to rest near his other brothers so he won't be alone.
The next years no child follows and Stannis is almost glad.
If another dead child would he born.....
He doesn't think he would survive it.
Not even his cold heart would be cold enough for that.
It kills him at night to think of his three sons who never even met him.
When he lies next to Selyse he wonders how he should have comforted her, he wonders if he should have made physical contact.
Maybe he should have hugged her.
Maybe he should have told her that it isn't her fault
Maybe....
Maybe.
Stannis stays quiet.
He never was a talkative man.
 
When Selyse gets pregnant Stannis wonders where he will bury his next child.
In the end he decides on a niece spot next to a young tree that looks as if a child would like to climb on it.
The perfect place.
It makes Stannis want to lie down next to his children and never get up again.
It's a girl.
Blue eyes.
Long hair.
Alive.
Alive.
Stannis can't believe and he doesn't leaves her alone for the first few weeks.
After all she still could die.
Stannis expects her too.
How could she live if her brothers didn't?
He watches over her like a hawk and sees every of her tiny movements.
He is there for her first smile and for her first laughter.
He waits for her to die.
She continues to breathe.
When the grayscale infects her Stannis feels even more devastated then usally.
Another dead child.
But when Stannis looks at her...
Blue eyes.
Warm eyes.
Curious eyes.
Littel hands.
Moving hands.
Soft cries.
She is alive.
Alive.
He can't let her die.
He summons every doctor he knows and hopes.
One of them can save her.
His littel girl.
His Shireen.
His daughter.
Alive.
She isn't what Stannis imagined, but she is perfect all the same.
It doesn't make Stannis less awkward around her trough.
He isn't a man who can handle a child and he quickly makes sure that others take care of her.
With a stab in the heart he realises that he can't make Shireen happy.
Instead his littel girl seems to....take after him.
She isn't one easy too smile and she is quiet and smart.
It still feels Stannis with an unbelievable fear.
Will she be cold like him?
 
When Robert dies, Stannis knows he is Robert's heir.
Shireen is his heir.
And  he us is going to do everything possible to make sure that justice succeeds.
It takes many sacrifices.
 
He kills Renly.
His littel brother.
The only brother left.
,,I never meant to be so cold."whispers Stannis when Renly is dead.
An apology, decades too late.
An apology for all the times Stannis failed Renly.
He still has to go on.
And so Stannis does and he fights.
At Blackwater he loses.
But he does win at the Wall.
 
Only later when he sees the flames dance around Shireen he realises that he didn't won anything.
He wants to stopp it, but it is too late.
His only daughter
His only child.
His heir.
 
When Brienne finds him, he is glad.
Soo many years...wasted.
He ruined his own life.
He deserves what is coming.
,,I never meant to be so cold."tells Stannis Brienne, but she shows no reaction.
Stannis hopes it is because she us too furious and not because she has turned to be as cold as he is.
As he was.
He is going to be dead.
People will refer to him in past tense.
It feels strange.
It feels as if a burden is lifted from him.
When Stannis kneels in the snow he watches the snow flakes dance.
Shireen would have found it beautiful.
Maybe she sees it from somewhere.
Maybe she is somewhere and playing with her older brothers in the snow.
All his children are dead now.
A single tear drops in the snow.
Stannis laughs almost when he sees it.
Only his children ever seemed to move his heart truly.
All of them dead.
At least he will follow them now.
Brienne raises her sword and he looks up at her calmly.
,,I never meant to be so cold."is all Stannis says Stannis.
The swords come down and all that follows is......pain.
Then there is nothingh.
Darkness swallows Stannis.