The Things You Said

Things You Said That Made Me Feel Like Shit

It was a Sunday night, and I had gone out drinking with a few of my friends. I was stressed from studies, family problems, and my own personal problems. Things from the past were floating back up to the surface and I needed to get rid of them, and fast.

By midnight, I had supposedly taken too many shots and before I knew it, I was drunker than ever. So drunk as to the point where I couldn't actually see straight. I asked for another drink as the vivid visions of the past were still haunting my mind, but I was stopped by my childhood friend.

"You've had more than enough, you can't even walk straight! C'mon, you're going home."

I slurred something about being able to take another shot, but he pushed me towards the exit. I gripped onto the counter and refused to budge. He sighed in frustration and he went off with his phone somewhere while I got my next drink. For what felt like only a few seconds, my friend came back and I saw you storming into the bar with searching eyes. Excited, I eagerly waved at you. You caught sight of me and your face scrunched up in an emotion I couldn't find the words to describe. I saw you hug my friend before taking me by the arm and dragging me out of the bar. I was slightly ticked about the hug as you silently walked me to the car. I stumbled as I got into the car. I asked you about the hug and you said it was just a thank you hug, but still, it stuck in my mind.

When we got home, you helped me into the house and I went straight to the kitchen and rummaged through the pantry, looking for my favorite drunk food. You told me to quit messing up the kitchen in a tired voice, but I ignored you.

"Tooru, you stink of alcohol, go take a shower."

Still, I ignored you and kept rummaging through the draws until you finally blew up.

"Tooru! Stop destroying the kitchen! Goddammit, look at yourself! You're a mess, you can hardly walk straight, your speech is slurred, and you look like a drunkard that you find in an alleyway! Haven't I already told you to stop drinking in the bars?!"

I heard your yelling and I slammed the cabinet door closed. I yelled at you about how I couldn't care less about that promise, forgetting about how your dad was an alcoholic. You looked hurt and again, the night carried on with both of us screaming at each other. I was tired, drunk, frustrated, and at the edge. Before I knew it, my hand had made impact with your right cheek and in an instant, you were on the floor. I was stunned at myself as I stared at you with my hand trembling. You looked taken aback, with your eyes watering in pain and your jaw locked tight. I felt my heart drop and with a wavering voice, I desperately asked you why you were looking at me like that, even though I clearly already knew why you were.

With a broken and wistful smile on your face, you said to me with your voice cracking and your lips quivering,

"I’ve been treated like shit by too many people, I've had my guard up at all times, and I’ve built walls because I’ve been afraid to ever get hurt again. For you, I knocked down my walls and loved you, but again, it looks like I've been hurt, this time physically and emotionally. But that's alright, maybe this love just wasn't for me."

Those were the things you said that made me feel like shit.