𝐻𝑜𝑙𝑑 𝑂𝑛

𝐖𝐢𝐬𝐡 𝐲𝐨𝐮'𝐝 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐬 𝐦𝐞.

He was so good for her while she was bad for him. He gave her light and she turned it into dim darkness. He gave her care while she gave him hurt. He was solid ground, she was broken wings. She gave him hell while he gave her grace. She was everything he wanted while he was nothing she needed.

He knew they were drowning in toxic cycles. He knew he’d cause himself more pain if he kept going on, but he did anyway. He put a blind eye on everything he didn’t want to see. He knew all along that you were going to leave. Then why does he still think about you? Why does he still wish you care?

You must’ve had some love for him, otherwise you wouldn’t spend almost a year with him. He loved you dearly. In the hope one day you will return the same amount of love towards him. You never cheated on him, and that confused him, you were so loyal, you simply didn't feel about him the way he did about you. But he was mistaken, and what kind of stupid mistake that was?

He was so hurt, yet he still wonders if you miss him. If you miss his presence in your world. If you noticed any difference in your life since he left. Maybe it would be way easier if he hated you, but that’s the problem. He still loves you. You made his life a living hell when all he wanted is just to be with you. He still loves you, but he’d never go back to you. Not after what you’ve done. Not after he saw how far you can go. How you were capable of hurting people and enjoy it.

He remembers the night he walked out of your place angry, hurt. He wanted you to feel something, to understand that he’s a human being, not under your control. You didn’t try to stop him, prevent him from going away. How did he allow the matters to get so bad? How did he allow himself to be stabbed repeatedly by you?

He remembers how you stood on his doorstep two hours later. You knocked the door for a hundred times, calling his name, yet he couldn’t make out what emotion was covering your tone. You were hard to understand, unreadable. He opened the door after a while, He let you in avoiding looking at your face. He was right, he was not going to allow you to control him. You sat on the couch opposite him, he remained standing. “What did you come for? Surely not to apologize.” He said in almost a mocking voice, though you felt the pain and frustration. “Fred, I-“ You stopped. You didn’t know what to say, you decided to follow him and that’s all. He looked at your face for the first time. Your eyes met. He was surprised to see the troubled expression you wore. He wanted to believe that you regretted what you did, that you truly cared about him. A tear escaped your eye. One tear. He stood there staring at you. What the hell is happening? You never cry, you never allow yourself to cry in front of anyone, not even him. You took a deep sigh. He waited, he wanted to hear your words. What was going on in your mind?

“I don’t think we should do this anymore…” His eyes widened when he finally realized what you were about to say. “What does that mean??” he asked even though he already knew the answer. “We cannot do this anymore. It’s meaningless, we keep spinning in endless circles. It doesn’t work that way and it shouldn’t. You were good to me. Someday, you’ll find someone who’s good to you, Fred. I have to go. Don’t make it hard. It’s over.” Your tone was getting harsher and harsher with every word you speak. There were no tears, no trace of emotion. Except for the coldness. Your expression wasn't troubled anymore, it was something different. A combination of feelings Fred couldn't recognize, or was too numb to try. You knew you were ripping his heart into pieces. You left without hesitation, you didn’t even turn your head. It was over.

Those were your last words. You left him wondering if you ever felt anything for him, anything at all? He didn’t reach out to you since then. He touched the certainty in your voice that night. He knew it was over. It should have been like this long ago.

As much as hurt he was, he kept his sanity, he didn’t use any way of communication to reach you, he didn’t pass your house in the way home. He avoided anyone who’s still connected to you. He wanted to move on, no matter how hard it’d be, it’ll be over one day and he’ll be thankful for letting you go. You were ruination. You couldn’t keep something in your hands without demolishing it. The two of you were so different, yet he still managed to fall for you.

Fred never stopped thinking about you. Every time he tries to distract himself, he finds something to remind him of you. Your favorite color. Your favorite song, food, book. Your perfume. You.

He knows how bad you are, how you feel about him. Then why does he wish you'd be missing him? Picturing you sitting alone in a dark room just like him, recalling memories of him and grieving. He wanted to know that abandoning him hurt you in one way or another. He wanted it so badly.

He thought you'd be the hero, to come and save the day, add beauty to his life, but you're a villain. Villains can't be forgiven.

He still has all the letters you've sent him with everything that ever belonged to you in a box. He knew it wasn't right but he still goes to open it. Stares at your perfect handwriting. Perfect choice of word. That's how you were, mysteriously perfect. You don't leave anything incomplete. Your words, lies, sins and deeds are always perfect. No one can figure the underlying meaning of them. No one can track them against you.

Fred was out of character. What have you done to him? He withdrawn himself away. Staying alone for hours. He's no longer cracking jokes, teasing and laughing on everything. You destroyed him. How can you live with yourself? Does it even cross your mind?

Laying on bed in the dark, unable to sleep. Lost in his thoughts. One day, he'll be alright. He'll move on. He'll return stronger than ever. Soon. Soon enough.