LITD: Director's Cut

[CW] Existing

» feelings of wanting to not exist
» self harming thoughts
» self deprecation
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You feel a tightness around your heart as you sit in your room. It's late at night, and you're dicking around on your D.D.D. as you normally do, but...something was different.
   Rather, the fact that Satan had shown you a way to access the "human internet" was different, and you'd happened upon an old account of your's that you forgot existed. Along with its short, one-sentence journal entries that gave your followers updates on your life. It all started with a relationship, and the most recent was of one ended...a shame, really. You always do fuck things up, don't you?
   You take a deep, shuttering breath as you hop up from your bed before immediately sitting back down. If it would have been a normal day, perhaps Mammon would have been up with you at almost 12 in the morning. With how the day had been, and really, the week in general, it was no surprise that the entire House was asleep.
   Another deep breath. It's okay. You're okay.
   Your mind wanders to the knife that you keep in your bedside table, though you quickly push those thoughts away. You've been doing good, after all — no reason to ruin that. Not like how you ruin —
   You quickly shake your head and push yourself to your feet, walking out of your room and down the hall. You reach your destination in the common room quickly, and take a seat by the ever-burning fire. You stare at it for a while and try to forget that you exist, despite the fact that all you really wanted to do was get out.
   Time passes. You're unsure as to how much. You're brought out of your blankness by the buzzing of your D.D.D.

Leviathan: Where r u? I went by ur dorm and ur not there

   Oh. You lick your lips and glance toward the stairs.

You: downstairs. couldnt sleep

   You probably should put more care into how you type, but you really don't have the energy. You aren't necessarily sleepy, you're just...tired.

   "Hey." Leviathan's voice draws your gaze. He tilts his head. "Why're you down here? You could've just come to my room." A pause. A blush. "N-not that I wanna hang out! It's —" He huffs, turns his head. "I found an anime you might like and I wanna see your reactions! That's all!"
   A small smile forms on your face. You watch Levi for a moment before turning your eyes back to the fire.
   "... Something's wrong." The couch shifts beside you, but you keep your eyes forward. "Did that idiot Mammon do something?"
   You shake your head and look down at your hands. "No. I'm just a fuck-up." A bitter laugh comes from your mouth as you close your eyes. "Ruin everything I touch, 'nd all that..."
   Levi doesn't say anything. He seems to hesitate in resting a hand on your shoulder, though when you don't react, he rests it fully. "You're wrong."
   "I'm not. You just..." A shaky sigh slips from you as you look at Levi. Your eyes glisten slightly as you hold yourself from crying. Not that you can anyway. "I'm just in a mood, yeah? I don't wanna exist right now. Sitting alone helps with that because I can forget that I do exist."
   Levi holds your look for a moment, and you can see the way his lips tilt into a frown as he thinks about your words. "Come on," he says after a moment. He rises to his feet, pulling you along with him as he makes his way to the stairs.
   You don't bother questioning the otaku as he drags you to his room, opening the door and closing it once you were in.
   "Why am I here, Levi?" you question. Your voice cracks, just the slightest, but you still don't cry; you never can when you need to.
   "Because I want you to be." Levi nudges you over to his bed, and you sit down as he starts to set something up. After a few minutes of rustling and small clicks, the main menu of an old anime movie came up. It was one that you and Levi had watched many times before.
   "Thought we were watching something else?" you hum before rubbing your eyes.
   "Nah, I think we can just. Pretend to not exist for a while. To...together." You could tell from the demon's voice that he was blushing. You send him a smile as he drops onto his bed beside you, making himself comfortable while still keeping a respectable distance.
   As the beginning of the movie starts to play, you feel your eyelids get heavy. You steal one of Levi's pillows, and hum softly when he grumbles.
   "Thanks, Levi," you murmur after a moment. You close your eyes as you listen to the movie, the scenes playing in your head from having watched it so many times.
   "Yeah, it's whatever," he huffs back. There's a softness is his tone that makes you smile as you fall asleep.