literally nothing

im sad and this is a healthy coping mechanism

they paced around their room, letting whatever was playing play. They were sweating, the room had to be at least 80 degrees. they wondered if their friends had cared that they suddenly cut them off, deleting all their social media. The songs playing in the background didn't exactly help, switching moods so often they felt like they were going crazy. "I'm taking a small break, don't worry I'll be fine," the last time they had taken a 'small break' they tried to kill themself. "Just don't expect to hear from me for a few days." That's what they posted on their Instagram story, but they wondered if anyone would even care. They take a lot of 'breaks' from Instagram, once even temporarily deleting their account. .But it wasn't enough, they would always crawl back to their friends, too weak to survive on their own. They like to think that they don't show their emotions often, they knew they were wrong somewhere in their mind. Their family was right downstairs, but instead of going and talking to them, they stayed in their room, typing away at a story about themselves in the third person because they were too lazy to type out their name. They were ok, of course. They were always eventually ok. But right now, they were typing and recalling all the mistakes they ever made. They were happy but they were selfish. Why did they deserve to be happy when their siblings weren't. When their own mother wasn't. When their mother had to celebrate her birthday alone because they were too busy being happy somewhere else. How dare they be happy when their friends were suffering. They didn't deserve to be happy. They didn't deserve the nice room and the pretty clothes or anything else. They didn't deserve the expensive laptop or new iPhone. They deserved nothing but to hurt, to bleed. They had the idea, 'hurt your friends, your family. Make them hate you so they don't care when you disappear.' it's a thought that appeared often, especially when they were too busy hating themselves to hang out with their family. The family they want so much to be a part of. The daily they considered showing this too. They knew they would never. they were too much of a coward. this is better than hurting me I suppose. that's the thought that popped up into their head the most. they felt...well they don't know what they felt but they knew it wasn't good. they were done writing because they had nothing else to say.