Not the Ghost //Severus Snape x reader

Chapter 1

Trigger warning for death and panic attacks 

This is an AU where Severus never joined the Death Eaters and reconciled with Lily during their final year at Hogwarts. In this story, he was never in love with Lily.

She's gone. She's dead. Lily is dead.

Severus didn't want to believe those words. He didn't want to believe that his best friend could be gone. Tears threatened his eyes, his throat burning as he tried desperately to keep himself together. Against his will, his knees buckled and gave way beneath him, sending him to the cold tile floor.

"No-" He choked on his own breath, his chest tight with his mounting anxiety. He clawed at the collar of his shirt, desperate to get air into his lungs any way he could. "No!"

This was his fault. He could have done more. He could have saved her.

Shaking hands tangled in his unwashed hair, pulling hard on the thick tresses as self sabotaging thoughts swirled in his head. He didn't want to believe it was his fault, but even if he was in sound mind, he would still blame himself. He was uncomfortably still for a moment before breaking completely, a harsh scream tearing from his throat.

His cries echoed through his empty home, his throat aching with the force of his scream, and then all at once a numb silence fell over him. Quiet sobs wracked his body, tears streaming down his face.

The boy has her eyes.

He cried until he couldn't anymore, sniffling and gasping pitifully. This was the worst pain he had ever felt and he didn't know how he could live with it. He could physically feel his heart breaking. Lily had meant everything to him, he had let her know that when they reconciled in their seventh year after she had started dating James.

He had always loved her and he always would. It hadn't been romantic, contrary to what anyone might have thought he had never had a crush on her. She was so much more than that. She was the closest thing to family Severus had ever had as a child who had been neglected by his parents. She was his best friend and his only friend and she was what he imagined a sister would be, and now she was gone. Where does the love go when someone dies?

Severus wiped his nose on the back of his hand, cringing at the trail of snot he left smeared across his pale skin. He was disgusted with himself for being so weak, but there was no other way he could have reacted to the news of his best friend's death. He barely noticed the sound of the front door opening and closing, completely forgetting that he now shared his home with someone else.

It was early in the morning, you had just started your shift at Honeydukes when you heard the news and you rushed home as quickly as you could. Your boss had been the one to tell you what had happened the night before and you knew Severus would have found out by now. You wanted to be there for him, you knew how much Lily meant to him and you knew how broken he would be.

You kicked your shoes off at the door and rushed into the house, looking around for your boyfriend. "Sev? Sev I'm home. I heard what happened, I'm so sorry. Where are you?" You heard him whimper in the bathroom and you carefully opened the door, bringing the sweet smell of candy in with you. "I brought you something to eat. It's not healthy but-"

"Not hungry," he whispered, wiping his face dry with a washcloth.

You frowned, setting the bag of candy aside and sitting in front of him. "Do you want to talk about it?"

He shook his head and pulled his knees up to his chest, his eyes avoiding your gaze. You were understanding and he was thankful for that, but he had never been one for talking about his feelings, not unless he had to.

"Okay, no talking. Can I touch you?"

He shook his head again and your heart ached for him. "That's okay, just let me know when you're ready for me to comfort you. Do you want to be alone right now?"

This time he nodded and you slowly got to your feet. "I'll be in the kitchen, come out when you're ready. I love you."

He didn't say it back but you didn't have to hear it to know he loved you too.

There had been a time that you were jealous of Lily, you had always assumed Severus had a crush on her, but during your seventh year he had assured you he had never loved her like that. Of course you had fought him on it, pointing out that his patronus was the same as hers. How could that not symbolize romantic love? In truth, his patronus was a doe like Lily's not because he was in love with her, but because he wanted to be her equal. All of his happy memories as a child were memories he shared with her, she had become such an influential part of his life and he wanted to honor her friendship. That was reflected in his patronus and had nothing to do with his heart, which had always belonged to you.

You had put the kettle on and busied yourself with cooking breakfast as you waited for him to come out of the bathroom. You were aware that he might be there all day, but you respected the way he needed to grieve. When he finally did join you in the kitchen, his footsteps had been so quiet that he startled you.

"The boy lived."

You jumped slightly, not expecting him to be standing right behind you in that moment. After a moment, you finally processed his words. "Who is taking care of him now?"

"Sirius is the godfather but he's gone missing. There's rumors that he's the one who sold them out to...you know who."

There was a time Severus had considered joining the death eaters, being groomed by fellow classmates of his, but you and Lily had finally managed to talk sense into him and he chose a different path. Now that his best friend was dead at Voldemort's hand, you imagined he despised the man.

"Remus is watching Harry now but he's worried he's too dangerous to raise the boy."

You nodded softly and turned to the kettle on the stove, removing it before it could whistle. "I made peppermint tea." You weren't addressing what he had told you, not knowing if he wanted a solution or just someone to listen to him. "Would you like me to brew a calming draught for you?"

"No thank you," he whispered. "It always tastes funny when you brew it."

You couldn't help but smile at his bluntness as you poured two cups of tea, shaking your head to let him know you weren't upset by his honesty. "Well I am quite good at brewing tea. Will you at least drink that for me?"

He nodded and slid into a chair at the kitchen table. You turned to face him for the first time and visibly winced at the sight of him. He was pale and flushed, his hair wild and tangled, his eyes bloodshot and swollen.

"Oh my sweet prince," you sighed, setting the cup of tea in front of him. "Is it okay if I give you a hug?"

"Please-" 

his voice broke and you rushed to his side, pulling him in close and smoothing his hair back. As soon as he felt your arms around him, he became absolutely undone, his body shaking with broken sobs. You let him cry for as long as he needed to, rubbing his shoulders and rocking him back and forth until he fell silent once more, quietly sniffling.