I wouldn't know how to start this story if I tried. Is it even a story? The laws an physics of things tend to bore me as much as crayons melt with the heat and paint pretty pictures on my canvas I guess that's why it rolls off the tounge so well. I'm writing mainly on how I feel which I have yet to discover how I feel which honestly who knows the ins and outs of someone's mind. To what seems to be going on forever I start with this.
My mother a women who could be a role model and is pretty and strong willed. My father an excellent man and husband and strong in the mind. A daughter a son and a distant son who now I know very little about. All make a family which I guess some say basic and race is just a stereotype on who I am as a person so I'd rather not say so hush.
With friends I have many, ones I trust I have fewer but enough to keep my secrets all in one file. Ones I would call "best" are names I'd rather not say so for now we call them by they're first letter of they're names that would be D,A,F,S,S,T and B to the rest of which you all are acquaintances and nothing more.
D ive known her for longer then all of them and the rest I've met this since September of 2020 and others last month April 2021. Lovers i have non but a "crush" I do. I hate the word "crush" in terms of interest in a person it makes me sick it's the fact that you don't truly care or love that person and if you truly thought about them it would no longer be called a crush but a first love no matter what age you are you can feel love you may not understand it completely but you still feel and obviously if the person isn't 21 and your 13. Moving along the person I care about or my so called "crush" is the letter F or the F in my friend group I mentioned. F does hang out with the people I hang around with the only difference is he is cisgender the other males are trans but I still call them males as well.
Now if you don't like listening to mushy stuff or feeling feel free to skip this next paragraph sorry in advance for spilling this on whoever may read this.
F makes me feel like a pretty picture on a golden frame hanging from the pearly white wall in a room lit up by just his smile. The moon and back is stupid love is stupid the hole idea is dumb and idiotic a feeling stronger than happy sounds insane and a bit gross and sickening but not saying anything would be disrespectful to myself and how I felt. F makes me feel like certain tinges and twists and turns in story's have no endings and it's all just a meaningless abyss I can't escape my breath from. He makes movies longer and conversations into lifetimes but I still say fuck love. Another topic shall we?
Crowns with jewels make my head hurt and a the whole knight and armor doesn't help fix my tie up straight which I still can't figure out and not wearing a suit with my skirt doesn't match at all so what am I what's the purpose of a label anyways so I'll stick to what I know,right?
All words cut from the same book in different chapters and such still don't sound good or spell out correctly if that's even the best way to describe it.
S-c-h-o-o-l spells school but like most including me it makes my brain feel weird not in an uncomfortable way but more so not think correctly when I should or have my lights flash red in my head. The constant feeling of knowing one screw up and your back to level 1 is like when your foot feels all static and you just can't walk straight but also image and how people see you. The worry that if I stretch will the boys see my bra? If I tell them about my worries and troubles will they think I'm annoying? Do they even care? Do I look fat? I should just die. For all my life those are things I've heard and felt and said even because of school and I know some of you have too.
Trying to be perfect is something we all take part in and it just leaves me in a blank space especially trying to make people feel better when I myself feel like coloring outside the lines on my picture.
My father storms into my room telling me my floor is gross and he spent so much money on me and I waist it and all my unfinished assignments in class and that I stay in my room all day and I do absolutely nothing. Speaking or having a genuine conversation is no longer an option in my house hold I guess. I guess maybe it's the thought I might be right? Or that what I'm saying conflicts with his opinion my only question is why did he never have the time to ask me how I felt or how I was feeling or how I was or even hey how was your day? And mothers do the same in my mind they do it with a stronger force. I wonder why I was born if I'm just going to be ridiculed for every move but then there's the chance I matter in someone's life and that's what keeps me going I love you all.
Buttons
Buttons are little circle shaped things well I guess I can't always say that I've found circles shaped buttons, square buttons, triangular buttons, heart buttons, broken buttons, flower buttons as small buttons. Hmm I wonder how long it would took me to say button until it no longer became a word-
Button,button,button,button ,button ,button, button ,button, button ,button ,button ,button ,button ,button,button ,button ,button ,button ,button and bUtToOon and I think that's we're I cross the line.
And where I end with my short story and many more to come is pineapples DO NOT belong on pizza,goodbye :)
