alaska.

.:chapter one:.

Sunlight lit the rough wooden planks on the floor. Looking out the window, I could see dewdrops sparkling against the dark green grass. My head was nodding up and down with remnants of sleep that my third cup of coffee was still working hard to shake off. An old black Panasonic that miraculously still worked dinged in the corner of the small kitchen. I shuffled lazily over to the microwave and pulled out a greasy sausage biscuit. Paired with an apple and the pot of coffee I was drinking, it would be an okay breakfast to tide me over until the afternoon.

I liked it here. The way the sun rises over the mountains and lights the pine trees ever so softly in the mornings. The fresh, crisp air that was free of any city pollutants. When I woke up, the first thing I would always hear was the creek's rushing water. I could walk outside at dawn and occasionally see low-lying fog swirling above the ground. The view from my front door would have been something you would see in the photography section of an old National Geographic magazine from years ago. Most people these days would have given anything to have a retreat like this, but I was fortunate enough to call it home.

But even though I saw something as beautiful as the mountains every day, I always felt that something was wrong when I woke up. I would open my eyes each morning and wonder why Dakota wasn't standing over me, gently shaking me awake. And each morning, I would get hit by a dose of reality and know why he wasn't there.
It's funny how someone's world can change without warning. I was only eleven when my older brother, Dakota, was drafted into the military. He was all I had after Dad died in a freak accident with his truck and Mama was taken by the rebels. As a well and able adult male 18 years of age or older, military service lasting a minimum of 4 years was mandatory for Dakota.

"Don't worry. I'll get to come home every six months for a couple of days," he assured me.

"But what am I supposed to do? I'm eleven. I barely know how to feed myself. How am I supposed to survive like this, Dakota? Mama's gone. Dad's dead. And now you're gone, too. How am I going to take care of myself? I can't work a machine. I'm not strong enough to chop wood. How am I supposed to pay for electricity and heating? I don't have any money," I said, just barely able to control my breathing.

Dakota looked away, then bent down so I wouldn't have to crane my neck so much.
"You're amazing at medicine. You've fixed me up so many times I can't even count. Mom's old books are still in her closet. Look at them, and you'll know everything you need to know about herbs, ointments, and the like. Sell whatever you make in the village. There's hordes of sick people in there," Dakota said, a slight smirk curling the right side of his mouth.

I nodded, but it didn't fix the ache in my chest.

"Don't leave me," I pleaded. The tears finally started coming, streaking my face in tiny lines.

"I have to," he replied.

Dakota kissed my forehead.

"I love you. Don't forget that, Alaska."

He gave me a sad smile and then walked to the jeep, where a sergeant was anxiously waiting for him to leave.

At the first six month break, Dakota came home. It was wonderful, seeing my only sibling again. The musky smell of his deodorant once again filled my nose when I hugged him.

There was another break at the end of the first year, this time longer. I was twelve now, and Dakota was twenty-one, old enough to drink. I remember him buying a can of beer at the gas station and letting me have a sip. I vowed never to touch a drop of alcohol again.

The third break was even better, as it was Christmastime. We finally had enough money from the military's compensation to buy presents that year. Dakota and I went to a few of the shops and bought gifts for each other even though we couldn't afford much. He gave me a pretty silver necklace with a brown and black hummingbird charm. I still wear it every day.

The day marking the begin of the fourth break came, but Dakota didn't.
Okay, I thought. He probably just had to stay a little bit longer for a mission.
Days passed. Then weeks. I grew suspicious of his absence, knowing that Dakota always stayed true to his word. I considered calling the number for the military base he was stationed at, but I had no signal as our tiny little house was in the middle of the woods. On a mountain. In the middle of nowhere. The only civilization nearby was the little village of Weston at the foot of the mountain, but they wouldn't have signal either. I was forced to wait.

Weeks turned into a month. I guess I'll just have to wait until the next break, I told myself.

My anxious waiting was soon cut off when I received a letter from the Empire of Amerada Army Corps. It was the first piece of mail I had seen in years. I giddily ripped open the envelope. Dakota's coming home! I thought. My young, naïve mind wouldn't have imagined any other purpose for the letter.

"To Miss Alaska Wolf-
On behalf of the Empire of Amerada Army Corps, I, along with Dakota's former comrades, extend my-"

Former comrades? Yes! Dakota was coming home! I thought.

"-condolences towards you. As the youngest of two children whose father has passed and a mother whose whereabouts are unknown, the EAAC knows how hard this must be for you. It is with great sadness that we inform you that Private First Class Dakota Grayson Wolf was killed in action on June 15th. Monetary compensation from Dakota's service will be continued through the next three months. We are sorry for your loss.
Condolences,
the EAAC"

"What?" I whispered.

To be sure, I re-read the letter several times.

Private First Class Dakota Grayson Wolf was killed in action on June 15th.
Private First Class Dakota Grayson Wolf was killed in action on June 15th.
Private First Class Dakota Grayson Wolf was killed in action on June 15th.
Private First Class Dakota Grayson Wolf was killed in action on June 15th.
Private First Class Dakota Grayson Wolf was kil-

"STOP IT!" I screamed.

I was blinded by a swarm of feelings and thoughts that I couldn't even begin to explain. I was at war with myself, part of me wanting to remain in denial while the logical part yelled for me to accept and move on. Guess which side won?

"No. No. No no no no no. No. Dakota isn't dead," I told myself.

Emotions can block all logical thought and reason from a person's mind. The fact that Dakota hadn't been home in a month, plus the letter from the military, should have forced me to accept that my brother was dead. But it didn't. Denial, rage, and devastation flooded my head and caused an emotional hurricane. I don't really remember exactly what I did to myself, but I do remember that the day I got the letter was the day I changed. It took days for me to calm down and accept (as best as I could) that my big brother wasn't coming home again.

Imagine if your older brother or sister, the person you loved and trusted the most, was suddenly gone. That they were never going to give you comforting hugs again when you were upset. That you were never going to get another harsh pep-talk telling you to shape up, be strong, and face your fears. That now, you could never go to them and cry on their shoulder when life took an unexpected turn. They used to force themselves to be strong so you would have a feeling of safety and security or to make sure that someone was taking care of you, but now you're the one that has to be strong.

That's what losing Dakota felt like.

I had to pull that strength from within me, the strength to keep going. I knew I had to. But sometimes, knowing you have to do something doesn't make doing it any easier. I was weak, physically and emotionally. A dark cloud of sadness filled my thoughts, all day, every day. There wasn't much happiness in the world left to make it go away. As each member of my family died or disappeared, a piece of my heart was whittled away. And because I couldn't pull that strength from out of me, my heart was slowly being carved down to the core, making myself more and more vulnerable to the dark cloud that had taken over my mind.

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A/N:
ugh. i edited that so many times.
anyhoo, i'll upload chapter two soon, but oh sweet baby alpacas, it's going to need a 💩 ton of editing...
-charis ✌️