𝐆𝐎𝐎𝐃 𝟒 𝐔, dreamwastaken

eleven

Dear Lila,

Hey. It's Clay. I'm really used to being referred to as Dream now, but like you said in one of your letters, you only knew me as 'Clay'. I'm going to be honest here and say that I never thought I'd ever hear from you again, Lila. This was very much a surprise and shock to me. Those nine letters you sent my P.O. box did in fact make it into my hands, despite you hoping that they wouldn't, and I read every word of them. I don't even know where to really start, but I felt like you deserved some sort of response. So here I am writing this letter to you.

I'd like to start off by saying thank you for not revealing my identity after you figured it out. I know you'd never do it because you never had a cruel bone in your body to make you ever do something like that. But I still appreciate it, Li. Secondly, you're a fucking genius for figuring it out. I mean I knew my laugh was pretty, uh unique¿, but I never thought it would be the thing that would reveal my identity lol.

The next thing I want to address is about the people you mentioned in your letters: Noah, Drista, George, and Sapnap (Nick).

Your brother was always one of my favorite people, and I saw him as my own little brother. I miss hanging out with him and having our guy time a lot. I know it might be weird to say, but I would hang out with him again if you ever wanted me to. I know how much Noah misses your Dad and wants 'bro time' as he liked to call it. Nevertheless, I'm glad he watches my Dream content and enjoys it a lot. Even if I can't be there for him in person, I hope it helps that he can unknowingly have me through my videos.

Addressing the situation with seeing Drista, I'm sorry to both of you that you guys would feel like you couldn't act normal around each other and debated whether or not to hide it from me. I will talk to Drista about how I'm okay with it. You can hang out with her whenever. It wouldn't be weird because I totally understand— it's the same thing for me with your brother. You guys had become friends during the time when we were dating, which I thought was really nice of you to do. My previous girlfriends kind of ignored Drista and spent all their time with me, so I appreciate you taking the time to get to know my sister.

As far as George and Nick, I didn't know George dmed you on your birthday, but I'm okay with it. You guys were basically friends, and I don't have the authority to tell him who he can or can't talk to. I know he misses you sometimes, but he doesn't say anything to me probably out of fear that he would upset me.

In other news, Nick has moved in with me, and it's great! I told him that you said, "Welcome to Florida, Nicky!" and he told me to tell you to 'fuck off' and never call him that again because you know how much he hates it lol. Maybe some day you guys can meet! I'm sure he would like that since he also misses you. Possibly I could have him hand deliver this letter to you. Who knows?

In basically all your letters, you end it with a passive aggressive 'good for you' statement after you tell me how life has changed since our break up. I'm very sorry that I made all of that happen because of our split. If only you knew that I was in a state of shambles myself after we broke up. I stayed cooped up in my room for days on end, barely eating and questioning everything. I got lazy with taking care of myself and didn't leave my bed some days either. I was radio silent to all of my so called friends. You know the ones you said you lost? Well, they weren't exactly my friends either. They just didn't seem to understand and expected me to get over the break up within a day or two. They stopped calling and texting after a while. So were they really my friends in the end either? Not really. We both lost them.

It took me a long time to kind of get over it, just like you said about yourself. I was down on myself and sad for a while. I just didn't show it on social media or anything. Plus my online persona as Dream is essentially all a mask. No one knows what I look like nor do they know how I actually am. Those streams and videos are me essentially putting on an act like I'm doing okay, Lila. Some of it was genuine happiness, and some it was fake. Social media is a horrible way to judge how someone is feeling, but I don't blame you for thinking I was fine all this time. I only put out what I want people to see.

Not gonna lie, I also looked at your social media before and thought you looked fine as well, especially on your birthday post. Happy belated 21st, by the way! I did in fact type out a birthday text to you, but I ended up deleting it because I didn't know how you would feel if I actually sent it. Probably should've just hit send anyway. :/

Not gonna beat around the bush with this next topic, but yeah, Road Trip is about you. Thank you for not being weirded out that I wrote a song about you. I really didn't think you would ever hear it, much like how you never thought I would see these letters. Truth be told, I did think we couldn't do long distance if I didn't visit you up in Boston often, which is why I drove all those hours up the East coast to come see you. Hence the lyrics of my song were referencing those road trips. Lastly, your message about being proud of me and how you liked the song means a lot to me, Li. It was a big step in my career, a risky one at that, so I'm glad it worked out for me in the end.

And your assumption that a part of me still thinks about you is correct. Lila, you never have fully left my mind since a part of me will always love you. There are days when I don't think of you, and I'm fine. Other days, when I see something that reminds me of you, it hurts pretty badly. I'm like what the hell did I do? What if's plague my mind for a while after. Ultimately, I push those thoughts and feelings away because I've never been the best at handling them. Neither of us were.

To answer your final question from letter number nine, no. I don't wish we never met. No regrets at all, Li. I wouldn't be who or where I am today without you. Hopefully we can pick up where we left off someday.

Stay safe, Clay :)