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M.C.B

dear M.B,

can you believe it? friends for almost 4 years... remember our first year? you dated this one girl and you put her relationship before the rest of our friends. did you ever feel any form of guilt? you never acted like it.. our first year.. it was nothing compared to the years to come. i thought we were rough because our ups and downs with K.L, since she came before me for some time so you guys were good friends.

we barely were even close after a while because you guys' friendship was just so strong. it hurt... but we became best friends but i always feel bad for leaving K.L out after and D.O. you acted as if the world revolves around you and still do... an aquarius female isn't to be trusted. at least that's how i feel nowadays.

our 2nd year together.. i was figuring out my sexuality and you werent any help. we had 1 class together yet... my thoughts circled around you and you didn't think about me even twice.. was i wrong for thinking you were that sweet symphony i kept hearing? your voice was always heavenly and i always admired you and wished to have such a beautiful voice.

you never really liked the hype i got for my voice so you made me feel really insecure when i sang... you never projected your feelings but it was on your face and you finally said it after a while.

remember when i liked E.W? it was my first girl crush. i told you and you said you
also liked her. i automatically knew i should back down because you're so beautiful. from your thick black girls, braces, and thick thighs... i was nothing with my dark brown braids, gap between my teeth, and small boney legs.

you told me you had your eyes on someone else though and i was gullible enough to believe it. i perceived you as a goddess, but you were more like a siren. your beautiful, heavenly voice echoing through my hollow heart and bouncing off my rib cage. ringing through my ears. you lured me in and ate every good part of me. slowly.

i really liked her... she seemed to like me to. we started talking in November. The orange and brown hues of that November seeming more vibrant than usual... that was your first time ever seeing me even like someone. i was happy... my phone broke though. she stopped coming to school. the 2 classes  i had with her seemed more lonely. the other girls in my classes seemed to despise me more than they should've... they liked her and they knew it. she treated me differently than them... E.W.

nobody knew about our relationship though since she was embarrassed by me.

Christmas break came fast. she came to school a few times in November. We acted as an old married couple... in prívate. ashamed. that's what she was. she disappeared the whole month of December too. i was just happy to feel loved by her. you ruined everything.

my phone was getting fixed in December, but i got her a christmas present the day before we went on break. do you remember that? i do. her favorite snacks and some bracelets. it wasn't much but it meant everything to me that she had at least something.

you came in... for someone with bad news you seemed awfully cheerful coming in the halls. a happier aura. you told me.. in a confident tone with everyone around my locker... that she had been flirting with you. showing me the messages of "baby" and "mamas" and more cringey nicknames being thrown around like a ball. tears were in my throat and i was going to choke on them. i had to excuse myself to the bathroom and even after i embarrassed myself- no you embarrassed me... you followed me there.

i wasn't appreciative of that at all. i kicked a bathroom stall and only shed like two tears. i dont and will never cry in school. especially not while you were there... now i wasn't sad. i was insecure. insecure because you seemed far more prettier than before. i seemed way less attractive.