My Random Shit

Forever Misunderstood

*Trigger Warning- mild depression, jealousy, self-pity, insecurity*

So, I was planning on putting a different poem first because it's kinda like the precursor to this one. That one was written in 2019 and I'm kinda looking for the paper I wrote it on. I always lose them😅. It has a backstory that I was going to share as well. And that poem is somewhat of a backstory to this one, the events which birthed that one, kinda stayed with me as flashbacks.
So, after one massive fight with my parents in April 2020 this one came about.

Cooped up in my washroom, sitting on the slab, in one hand there was my phone, looking up synonyms and antonyms and from the other, words flowed from my pen to the small 'frozen' notepad, exaggerating ten-fold.
(This sounds nice)

Whenever I write, my emotions always get exaggerated, since that's how my pisces brain works, I'm almost always completely overwhelmed, when I cry or summat. I think most of us can relate to that.

Anygays, so this one is about being misunderstood which stemmed from insecurities, listening to woh char log (the society), actually giving a fuck about their shitty, unimportant and ill opinions, getting jealous and basically pitying yourself.
This one is obviously very personal. But I'm like ready to share, I'm in so, so much of better place after talking to a psychologist. When I couldn't find my self-worth, she told me to write down atleast 10 'Reasons to celebrate Tanisha', suprisingly enough, with the help of my friends I wrote more than 10, the page was filled, but I had more left. I'm happy, with everything, even though I did suffer academically, but like I'm fine with that, my parents have been very supportive, so it's nice.

So, here we go...

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Forever Misunderstood

All I ever wanted was a little attention and love,
to be nurtured properly, to be cared for.
But, now I'm a heartless monster.

All of my life I've heard,
the younger one is so good, nice and sweet and so talented!
Whereas I was in a corner sulking and lamented!

Every now and then, I tried to break this unscrupulous cycle of life.
It never worked!
She was praised and I stood there, in my rife.

Whatever I did, she did the same.
She was applauded,
And I was condemned.

You took away, whatever I loved the most from me!
The books, the game, the passion!
And I had to return to a certain monotony.

My modesty has become my become my destruction.
My heart has been broken into a billion pieces,
miles away from resurrection.

What had I ever done to deserve this,
all I ever did was to care among all their taunts and disses!

My mind has become a puzzle,
they would never be able to understand.
All I can do is to protect for what I stand.

But my insecurities take the best of me,
and a weak personality is what they see.

To find the best in every moment is what I try,
But, sometimes I feel so tired and fragile.

My once broken shell is building up again,
perhaps with stronger and higher walls than before,
barely anyone would be able to withstand it.
I would again be the lonely person I was before.
Except earlier, I had my passion
but, now I am waiting for something to free me.

All because I tried to tell them, but they never understood,
I have forever been misunderstood.

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Ohk! Dramatic much, tanisha?! I feel like I should be writing for them hindi serials. Ekta Kapoor, hire me, I'll make your shows less regressive but with same amount of dramatic dialogues.

Jokes aside, I hadn't read this in a while, so I hadn't anticipated how overwhelming this would be. I mean, as dramatic and exaggerated as it is, underneath it, it still has a bounty of realness, a lot of stories, fights, not as bad as they seem to be.

I know this is more of me sharing in the author's note and stuff than the poem, but I think this one requires it.

I just want you all to know that, YOU'RE LOVED, YOUR EMOTIONS ARE VALID, YOU ARE VALID, EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU IS VALID. YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSON. DON'T YOU EVER DOUBT THAT!!

If you ever feel like, you're not being heard, trust me there is someone out there always there to listen to you.

And when the times seem tough, know that, every cloud has a silver lining. There's always some hope. It is going to be alright, eventually. I know it's harder said than done, but it'll be alright. And for the journey to your silver lining, rely on whatever makes you feel like home; comfortable and secure. It can be anything books, movies, food, people, games, sports literally anything.

I think for me, personally, my idea of home expanded last year (2020). It used to be just a particular book series before that. But, now it includes a few amazing people, this amazing band's music (solos included), their videos and especially what each of the member symbolizes for me.

Zayn: it's ok to take a step back.

Harry: be yourself

Niall: you are loved

Louis: you can get through this. You are amazing, you are valid.

Liam: keep going sunshine!

For me, all in all, they represent hope.

And of course, whatever happens happens, stay strong, you are an amazing person, you can do this, you can get through this.
Now, there's a loophole here, if it's anything illegal, please, please reach out to anyone you're even slightly comfortable with, tell them, get that fucking piece of shit to prison. I know this doesn't always compensate for the crime they did, but please, please report them. Remember, you deserve the world, you are amazing, you're valid, you're heard and you're loved.

Stay safe and take care loves. 💙