infinite complexities

"this is how it is"

a spoken word...

she asked
"why are you crying my love?"
i replied
"maybe because you're not here, maybe because nobody's ever here... and im tired of being alone,
im done being all alone.
"mom", i shouted hoping that somehow it could travel
from here to wherever she is ...
"im mad, im frustrated and
i cant do anything about it but to cry"
i snuggled into my pillow, exhausted with crying, i whispered...
"im at this place again."
i hugged my pillow wishing that i could somehow feel
"the mother's embrace" 
"the mother's love"
that they're talking about...
moments have passed and my tears have been sucked up and bottled again, put into a container labeled as
"anger management issues and just general issues, l.o.l"

i asked myself and said
"why was i even crying?"
that was too much vulnerability.
What was I even expecting to happen? fixing myself up i said
"Did i really think that somehow, everything will be alright? huh
The bottled up frustration will somehow fade when they're back?
no.
they've missed so much and they've done so much damage.
my present self would not accept the fact that "i have to forgive".
its full of somehow's.
its frustrating to know that these things will "somehow" and
"will eventually" be back to "normal",
are they that optimistic?
do they really think that what
they've broken can be fixed by their presence when in the first place
"the presence" that they give makes the vase tremble in fear leaving it on the side of the desk, ready to fall
and be shattered into tiny little pieces, all on its own.

she don't want to let
anybody hurt her.
so she decided to hurt herself.
leaving scars of battled up emotions put to action and was made to
fulfill the satisfaction of the feeling of being "alive"
they're tired,
but they kept it that way holding to their own principle that she can be fine without  anybody for she have been through so much with nobody.

writtenthattime.
-Maki