fall again | yeorry

fall again

im yeojin point of view

i couldnt handle the way my heart felt. i just continued to go forward, my legs dragging me down the sidewalk. my feet scraped against the ground, making an annoying noise, but i would never notice. jung jinsoul is the only thing on my mind. her laugh, her smile, how caring she is, but i will never be able to see that smile agian without internally dying.
it was torturously hot outside, the sun shining and birds chirping. people out on walks, smiling and enjoying their company. not even the weather can agree with me. it should be cold, rain pouring down on everyone so they could feel something close to my pain. no one could imagine how much pain i felt just from one image in my head.

i ran up to the cafe that i know she'll be working at. she always works after school on tuesdays, wednesdays and fridays. i would always grab my bag and take the bus to the cafe, even if it was on the other side of town. just to see the girl that i had helplessly fallen for.

i saw jungeun holding jinsoul's hand. them looking into each other's eyes with such a beautiful, life giving and heart filling look.

but to me it had the oposite effects. my heart sank. the life drained out of me.

when jinsoul leaned in for a kiss, every ounce of hope fell. being dropped from my body, and shattering against the rough pavement. the light and passionate movements of their lips moving together, felt like a sledge-hammer to my stomach, and then my head. the metaphorical sledge-hammer hitting me over and over, until i was just a pulp of flesh, bones, and pain.

i never knew that anything could hurt this much.

it's funny to think that years ago i thought the thing that could hurt the most was falling off of my bike.
but this, this is so much worse.

that was the day that i promised i would never fall again.

- - - t i m e  s k i p - - -

getting off of the bus that brought me a few blocks away from the dorm complex, i still feel the sledge-hammer plummeting into me every couple of minutes, but at least the frequency has declined.
everything hurts.
i know there is only one thing that could make me feel any better.
well not one thing.
one person.
choi yerim.
she has the kind of smile that you want to see after a long day. the the arms that you want to be held in after getting bad news. she is the person you would go to after having something horrible happen.
which is good, because i need every one of those things today.
i have held it together and looked mad and tough in the public, the weird men on the bus making me want to break down even more, but the second yerim and i get into our room, she usually ends up holding me until i've calmed down, and then we go for a walk to the small convince store that is just down the street from our dorm complex. we always get both of our favourite snacks, salt and vinegar potato chips, gummy bears, and i get a papillon flavoured monster energy drink, while she gets a starbucks brand double shot with cream drink.
we have been best friends ever since we met at our dance class when she was five, and i was four. our parents would always say that we are soulmates. it was rare that a day went by where we didn't see each other, and there was never, and i mean never a day when they didn't at least video call or text.
sure we got into fights, but they never lasted.
each girl knew that they couldn't live without the other.

- - - t i m e  s k i p - - -

once i dragged myself up the stairs to get into the building, and then across the lobby to the elevator. i quickly pressed the button with a silver 20 on it, and waited for the doors to close.
just as they started to slide together, someone ran up to the elevator, so i pressed the 'open door' button when i saw who had ran in my heart sank. it was none other than kim jungeun. her lipstick was a bit smudged, but the biggest smile was plastered on her face. she leaned  against the wall and looked over to the panel with the neat rows of numbers 2-20 and the letter 'M' to signify the main floor that they were currently on. jungeun pressed the button that would take them to the 9th floor and then continued to stare into space, with a stupidly huge smile on her face. it should be beautiful. the look of love on someone's face. but when you know that she is in love with jinsoul, the only person you have ever had true feelings for, and the love is reciprocated, it is one of the ugliest sights. it seemed taunting, as if it was trying to etch the words "jinsoul is in love with me and she will never care about an insignificant and childish girl such as yourself" with a dull blade, making sure that the scar would never fully fade, constantly reminding you that you will never find love.
as i was busy burying myself in self-pity and sadness, i barely noticed when jungeun spoke up.
"you're im yeojin, right? i think we're in the same literature class."
"um y-yeah, and you're k-kim jungeun" i said as my eyes clouded with tears and my throat seemed to be filling itself with a rather large lump.
"is everything alright yeojin? you look like you're about to faint." jungeun said in a worried tone, seemingly genuinely scared for yeojin's well being. "yes- well maybe, i've just had a really bad day." i said timidly "that's too bad, i hope things get better for you soon yeojin." the taller girl said as the doors opened with a ding, signifying that they had reached the ninth floor, which was likely where jungeun's dorm was.
my dorm is all the way up on the top floor, which is nice, but sometimes it is inconvenient. times like this to be precise. when i just want to get home and change into yerim's clothes that are a bit big in me and watch some stupid drama that has two characters who are in love with each other. it's never just a one way love. in those dramas i would probably be the antagonist. not that i have tried to take jinsoul away from jungeun, but if someone loves the main character and they aren't the main love interest, the fans always go against that character.
i can see why though, you just want the couple who is perfect for each other to be together without any obstacles.
maybe i am just supposed to be alone.
maybe i'll be alone for the rest of my life. yerim will get married and want to spend all of her time with her spouse, and i probably won't make any more friends, so that leaves me to myself.
maybe i'll get a pet, and then i can talk to it about how i was so hopelessly in love with a girl who would never love me back.
maybe i need to focus on something else.
i pulled out my phone, just to see a text