My Made-up Story

Little Do You Know

Chapter Five

These eyes, that used to have colourful dreams, are now filled with emptiness.

Several months later...

It was over.

I stare at certificate that is in my hand.

"I see..."

I handed it back to my mum and left her house.

Days were just passing by after.

I just did not want to think about anything, do anything.

I feel so spaced out.

Like, my feet is dragging me to places I've never been.

I just don't know anymore.

What should I be doing right now?

Should I get up and eat something?

But I don't feel hungry.

Maybe go for a walk.

So I wore my basic casual outfit, nothing to fancy and just shoved my wallet in my pocket. I didn't even bother to take my phone.

It was a nice sunny day, slightly windy and cold but good enough.

I closed my eyes for a bit as I was walking straight down.

The cold air pushing my hair back as I hugged myself.

I stopped and waited for the traffic light.

When the sign turned green, I started walking again.

My mind started to play different scenarios, did I make the right choice?

After being separated for so long, what does this feel like...

I still think or imagine things that could have been done differently.

He has a life too.

He wants to be happy too.

This is reality.

But in the end, I didn't want this.

I didn't want marriage.

I blame my brown parents.

Now my father is most likely searching another boy but from a foreign country.

How unfortunate.

And I don't even know if I have any say in the matter anymore.

But now, I know what I'll say now, without any fear.

No.

No.

No.

I feel my heart racing everytime, but I am so sure than I have been ever in my life.

But...

What if, my heart is asking for something else and I am saying something else?

Is this the reason why parents just marry off their child because they don't know what they want?

But how can a person know what their heart is saying?

Is it too difficult to understand that?

I am getting old? Is this enough reason for someone to get married?

What is marriage?

Just having a life long partner?

Well my marriage was short-lived, what does my parent have to say about that?!

I can feel my eyes getting misty but I blinked it away and looked up at the clear sky.

The fear of the unknown, still creates havoc in my heart. And I can only think one way to end it.

To end me.

Suicidal thoughts are horrible, and a disgusting choice to make. But when a person take those steps, that's it.

Does anyone even understand how much courage it takes to take those steps?

I can still remember, my elder brother who would be frustrated by me, occasionally yell out "get out of my house!"

Then I did.

Thank God I did.

Just living with them, was suffocating and wasn't good for mental health.

And I endured it for as long as I could.

Good job me.

It's funny to me.

For literally all my life, I felt as though I was in a tunnel, with one path. And no matter how much thorns there was or how unfair that path was, I still took it because that was the path set up for me.

But I didn't ever realise there were other tunnels, that wasn't only filled with thorns or lead to weird or hateful consequences, but just a little bit of ray of hope which was exactly I was searching for.

Just a subtle wish...

I wish I had met an Ema before.