Dear Friend... || Seongjoong [ATEEZ OneShot]

Sunshine.

I look up once again. It's twelve in the morning, and the Sun shines brighter than any other day. It's been a long week, hasn't it? I hope you're proud of me, I hope at least you are proud.

You decided to go when the days were getting warmer, you didn't wait for spring to turn into summer for the last time, you decided that my warmth wasn't going to keep you going forever. But was it really your decision? Did you decide that you wanted to go? Or was it not you, but that person I didn't get to truly know, who made you do it?

I woke up late today because I went late to bed yesterday. I missed your voice, I missed your touch, I missed you whole. Your sparkling eyes and your contagious smile; your unfunny jokes and your amazing arguments; your passion and your hard work. I miss the late-night talks we had when none of us could sleep, the hours we spent together without saying a word, the days I could miss you when you didn't come back from work. I can't miss you like that anymore.

Now I can only miss you hoping one day I'll stop doing it. Hoping my memories of us will become just as happy as they were because every time you come up in my mind now, all I can do is cry and miss you. I'll be looking for the day I miss you and I smile about it, that day I'll tell you how I've been and how much you still mean to me.

As I lay down in your favourite park, I remember all the fun we used to have, all the years went through my head. Since the first day we talked to the last one. Fuck, it still feels wrong to say I won't ever hear you answering back again. I still wait for you when I get out of class and I still look at your seat when the teacher says to pair up. I wished we could eat ice cream together one last time, I wished you could look at me one more time and tell me everything you wanted to.

But instead of speaking your words, you decided to write them, making me unable to hear the words "I love you" slip your lips in a room that just you and I occupied. Did you not want to say them, or did he not let you? That's why you wrote them instead, right? Because saying them would hurt so much more... That's why you wrote them for me, so I could keep them forever, right?

"To the love of my life, to my best friend... I could tell you all the things that are going through my mind but in reality, all I can think of is you. Would I disappoint you? When you read this, will you hate me?
Those questions I don't know the answers to, but there's one thing I know:

I love you, Park Seonghwa, and I'm sorry."

That's it, that's all you wrote. It'll never be enough. I wished for you to have written an entire book of us, one I would take ages to read, so our goodbye never had to happen. But you had to write such a small letter, one I read in seconds while I saw your body in front of me; lifeless.

But how am I going to be mad? How could I ever? When I saw you lying there... It was the most peace I've ever seen you hold. It's weird to think about it but it's true, only then I could see how much you were hurting and at the same time, how it all went away.

Finally, you could rest. It's what you wanted, right? I should respect your decision, right? How am I going to be mad at you, right? How could I...

You left me alone, you didn't have the courage to speak up, to tell me you were hurting, to tell me you loved me, to hug me one more time. YOU DIDN'T DARE TO SAY GOODBYE, YOU WENT AWAY WITHOUT THINKING HOW MUCH I WOULD HURT, YOU KILLED YOURSELF AND NOW YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP LIVING WITHOUT YOU? HOW COULD YOU?! HOW COULD I?! HOW SHOULD I LIVE WITHOUT THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY LIFE?! YOU PROMISED THAT TOGETHER WE WILL BEAT LIFE AT ITS OWN GAME. THAT AS LONG AS YOU HOLD ONE OF MY HANDS I COULD CONQUER THE WORLD WITH THE OTHER ONE. BUT HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT NOW IF MY LEFT HAND IS HOLDING MY RIGHT ONE PRETENDING IT'S YOURS?

YOU HID YOUR SADNESS UNDER ALL THOSE BEAUTIFUL SMILES. YOU DIDN'T LET ME LOVE YOU WHEN YOU MOST NEEDED IT. YOU BRIGHTENED MY DARK DAYS WITH YOUR LAUGH WHEN I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE HOLDING YOUR LIFE TOGETHER.

How am I going to hate you, when the only one I hate is myself? I could never hate you, I'll never hate you.

That's why I am at our favourite place, letting the sunlight hit my face and dry my tears-because yes, I was crying again just thinking about your smile.

The birds are chirping, singing a melody you would have loved. Because you loved music, you lived it with all your heart. The happiest moments of you were when you enjoyed music. Only then your smile would be real.

Did I tell you? That's why I learnt to play the guitar, just to make you genuinely happy. To see the brightest smile I've ever known; yours. And I won't ever be able to forget the feeling of wanting to kiss your entire face when you smiled. To kiss it to let you know how much I loved it and how much it meant for me to see you enjoy life. But I guess the sad moments overpowered the happy ones...

So I got up, took my guitar and unfolded it. I wanted to play your song, the one I always played and you always sang. Let's just sing it one more time, then I'll let you go, I promise. I just need one more push to keep going.

You are my sunshine,
my only sunshine
You make me happy
when skies are grey

You'll never know dear,
how much I love you
Please don't take my
sunshine away...

I heard you sing while the strings on my guitar felt heavier than ever. I recalled you singing the lyrics and looking deeply into my eyes. How didn't I realised we both were madly in love with each other? It doesn't matter now... Thank you for singing it one more time. Next time I'll sing it to you, pinky promise.

Thank you for being on my side.
I love you, Kim Hongjoong.