Boys Do Write a Diary

entry #8

I got home with bruises all over my body. When I saw my face in the mirror, I couldn't even recognize it. His punches were strong, I couldn't even bear them.

Am I that much of a weakling? Getting scared just because of some dude with a really good sense of fighting. Cried just because of a little amount of pain. Is that it? Is that all about me?

Such a disappointment.

Ever since I was little, I've always known that I can't bear any type of pain. Whether it's inner pain or not, I don't want to feel it just yet. Because I want to make myself stronger than ever to the point I don't even flinch when someone hurts me.

I just want to stand without any problem.

But the truth says no.

I'm just a weak-nerd-pathetic guy. I even stutter when I talk.

This kind of personality is the reason why I got bullied, I guess.

People tend to hate me. The hatred they sent is all the same; I'm nothing but a weakling. A coward that hides behind the door. Every time I walked, I could feel their eyes glancing at me. It's not any attention I want. It's a disgusted look sent to me.

"You're nothing but a piece of meat."

"You're weak."

"A walking punching bag, I see."

"You are worth nothing in life. You don't even worth a single one. Just die."

But God let me live with a reason. Nobody was born just to be a punching bag. I was born for something, it's just that I haven't found my intentions in life.

Or do I?

Why do I have to be born pessimistic? I hate it.

I hate it when my chest hurts. It hurts even more when I'm writing this, just to remind me that I have no one to talk to.

What is it with me and the issues I'm facing? 

The issue here is just me.

I am my own problem, aren't I? It's so simple yet hard to solve.

Because I'm attached to me for as long as I live. But what's wrong with me exactly? What do I need to fix?

Sincerely,
Aricho O. Cowell