Just why? Why can't you be real?
Why?
Why were you the only one that I could find comfort in?
I layed in bed as my pillow case slowly became damp around my head. The cold air brushed against the trail of tears that have been left after travelling down my face. Oh why. Why of all things, did I only manage to find comfort in a fictional character?
Perhaps it was the literal fact that he wasn't actually real. That he could never break me. That he would always 'be there' for me. That he wouldn't change. That he would be understanding.
Because he isn't real.
It was one of those nights. I had gotten to so many days without crying. It was nearly a new record. I had tried to keep myself busy for a long time, trying to continue on with the ever changing world that always seemed to somehow leave me behind in the dust. It wasn't the best, but I felt like I was getting somewhere, that I had a purpose in life.
Yet, in just one night, I broke down again.
It wasn't even anything grand. I'm not even sure what exactly caused it. Maybe I'd just been bottling up all those days, when I thought I was getting better. I didn't even know anymore.
It's not even like I have a tragic backstory like some characters or some actual real people. I was born in a normal family, with basic necessities, and have that support from my parents if I have something that I really want to do. My parents are nice and raised me well, my older sister was always really understanding and loving, although we got into fights sometimes, as all siblings do. I had.. Well I think I do have friends. Literally nothing to be 'depressed' over.
I know, I can't expect the world and everyone else to be ideal when I'm not. Yet I still hope for unreachable futures and scenarios that are unrealistic, while I avoid all my fears and flaws.
That night, I just layed there, staring at the pitch black ceiling, with tears silently streaming down my face for no apparent reason.
'For the nonce,' I thought. 'For the nonce, let me just cry.'
I had learned to control my sobs, silence my cries, and hide my runny nose and bloodshot eyes; some skills I had managed to develop over the years. But I could never figure out how to not cry. How to stay happy.
I liked to read books, webtoons, and watch anime. They provided a new world for me to be immersed into, and allowed me to distract myself, or avoid, the reality. Because in there, I didn't exist.
The world would be completely different from ours, and the protagonist, all the characters would have such amazing qualities that I wouldn't even be able to dare thinking of possessing.
All these thoughts always come creeping back up and again every couple of months. And today was just the lucky night.
Oh why. Why couldn't he be real? Why can't he just simply hug me? Just a hug with comfortable silence was all I needed. Validation.
