Random thoughts

Untitled Part 5

HI,

Heyyyy! How are you? I hope you are doing excellent. I came over here after 2-3 months to write something and express something about you, that I don't think it's good to share with anyone else, well, of course, it is not possible to share these things with you, even this platform itself is based on situations like this. After 3-4 months you have contacted me after the outbreak and since we reached our homes (You have not replied to that and I could not sacrifice my self-respect for you anymore so I did not text you again from my side after that). All that time, I was desperately wanted to talk to you, even writing this I want to talk to you and instead of writing here, I want to share it with you. You texted me after 3 months and seeing your text I could not express that feeling in words. It was a mix of so many feelings, questions, and thoughts. I saw your text the moment you sent it but I ignored it and so many questions started flooding in my mind that why you texted? Is that you also missing me? Do you really care about me or it's just formality? Do you really care if I talk to you or not? Do you even give me any importance? Did I really mean to you anything? was I even little something else to you apart from a helping classmate? At the same time, I could not decide how to reply and what to reply, either behave being the same or behave as nothing happened, or behave like I am also least interested in talking to you as you were, or just be nice & start everything with a fresh touch? I was also feeling nervous, excited, angry because you took so long to ask me how I am, happy, confused altogether. I know these things must be sounding very strange, well, it is because it is a very complex feeling I have now. To Leave or Love you. Bytheway, even if I leave I can't stop myself loving you as I still do and it seems there's no other option left either. The day I talked to you in June '20, I wanted to come here and write a thank you but I thought I have no longer to come here and write because you were back, atleast you were behaving, say, a new normal. But who knew it was four-day moonlight and then you again started behaving like I am nothing to you and you started replying so lately even you used to be online but you used to prefer at last to reply my texts. I wanted not to get disturbed by all these, again and again, being possessive, wanting all your attention and all. I wanted a fresh start of friendship but feelings for you remained the same and so I started getting disturbed again. I started waiting for your text or your reply, checking, again and again, my phone for it and get disappointed that you haven't replied yet and you use to be online but you were not talking to me so you must be talking to someone else so this also again was disturbing for me. I was dying to hear your voice and hear you smiling & laughing again but couldn't call you. These were continued for a week almost and once again I couldn't focus on my studies and I had to clear the entrance exams so I decided that I should block you so that I won't be expecting any text from you and I won't see you online, talking with someone else. When I was again getting disturbed then I blocked you, I wanted to write here a letter that why you again texted me after so long and again making me feel bad but I thought these feelings will fade away with the time but it did not. So here I am again, crying and writing here like a coward. I am writing this almost a month later because I couldn't resist anymore to express these feelings to anyone or anywhere. Complaining things to you which you may never get to know. I have not even dreamed of a situation like this that I will ever block you even I thought you will block me but I had to block you for my mental peace. But everyday I used to unblock you and when I see you online then I try to ask that how are you but I block you again because I don't wanted to start those mind-crushing things again, atleast not now. Since I blocked you, I think I have blocked and unblocked you for 'n' number of times, whenever I come online I unblock you and then when I see you online I block you again or when I go offline I block you again. I know this is so stupid and childish. But I always feel so helpless and frustrated that why it is so difficult to get first love and why is it impossible that you can't love me back? I use to get nightmares, dream in which I am dying and you are in the dream with horrible things happening with me because I really think you are my luck, and if you are not with me or wishing for me then horrible things coming. I forget most of the dreams but sometimes it makes me wake up middle of the night. I could not clear entrances of all three IITs in which I have applied for. I wanted to ask you to wish me Goodluck but I know you won't and you will tell to S and she will get hurt. But I believe if you would have wished me then results would have been different no matter how absurd it sounds to you. Maybe it is because of the Placebo Effect. 'S' used to tell me so many things that how you still think that I am a bad person and it makes me feel like what I have done? Just because I did not admit that I Love You, Is this thing made me so bad for you? Everything else was so small in front of this (admit thing) that it made you hate me so much? Is this your ego not accepting it or you? I wanted to give explanations & I have given it in all previous unsent letters here but I can't tell you these things directly. I will pray that you do excellent in your life as you have always done till now and maybe in future, we will talk again. Actually, for me, it is like a trade-off between peace of mind or talks to you, but if you will be mine or you will give enough attention to me and little nice & sweet to me then it will not be trade-off, instead, it will be like positive externality. But this is possible only in my dreams.