The Circus Diary

DESPERATE

Later, During the intermission, writing instead of eating

Today, I hoped to, but didn't see him all day. Wrote in my diary on yet another lonely afternoon and talked with mom, because I'd texted her wanting to tell her more about the ferry and everything else that is or isn't happening. Does it make her sad, for me to tell her about my love story, when her own is drawn over with shades of charcoal from the dying embers of an abandoned fire?

Later, Midnight, In my trailer room with Leanne sleeping and me afraid to dream

I can't get enough of him, his touch, his hands, everything. There's no way to explain how I can't stand to close my eyes or let him go to sleep even though all I want to do when I'm with him is rest.

It makes me want to cry.

Every day is more overwhelming. The times we're apart more endless and painful and more hopeful just because I might see him.

Just looking across the field today and seeing his sweater hanging to dry made me smile. It was flapping with the Circus flags in the wind and I thought it might just fly away.

Breathe.

Absorbed. Yes. That's a good word. I don't know if I'll ever get over this. Tonight, he didn't have to drive. He happily called for me to jump in the back of Andrei's truck. He was on his phone a moment, which, by the way, doesn't have a picture of a girl for the background anymore. Then Erik came in too, so Luc had to come sit beside me in the back. Which I was quietly thrilled about!

At first, we were just sitting up and he was chatting with the guys while holding my hands and sneaking secret smiles at me in the dark. I was taken aback at the picture of his hand over mine. Perfect warmth. My fingers around his thumb, so tiny in comparison. We're different, but our difference makes us fit.

He was happy to be able to rest and not drive, and tired as I was and feeling comfortable with my body resting against his, I fell asleep with the safe feeling of his hand over mine.

Then their loud voices woke me, they'd just found that we were going straight to the next platz. He laid down to relax and I snuggled beside him. He must've been so relieved he didn't have to drive, and I could tell the guys up front were teasing him, but he wasn't embarrassed, and he wasn't driving. He was thrilled. At first, I wanted to look at him, but I couldn't do that and be as close as I needed to, so I tucked my head on his shoulder. He traced my wrists with his fingertips. Then he pulled me tighter, and immediately he fell asleep. His arms never loosened; I could barely tell he was sleeping. But when we arrived an hour later, I felt the change from driving on a road to the bumps of the platz.

I kissed his cheek, but he still wasn't awake. He looks younger when he's asleep. He was exhausted, but I wouldn't have fallen asleep for the world and missed a second of memorizing how it felt to be in his arms.

I had to shake him a bit and once he opened his eyes, I boldly kissed his cheek again. Twice. I couldn't help it, he looked so confused and sleepy. Then reality returned and he sat up quickly, ready to work, as always. But I got a great smile and a simple, whispered "dobranos" as a thank you.

Thank you can mean so very much, when you say it from your heart. It can mean a whole book worth of words, a painting worth of brushstrokes.

August 6, Watching the sun set from the truck, driving with Luc

This afternoon I spent too long looking out the window. Daydreaming and cleaning the cupboards and drawers in Uncle's trailer because I was bored. Uncle got back from shopping and the look on his face said it all. Too bad he wasn't wearing the clown nose to soften the blow of his compassion as he glanced from me to the silent, sleepy trailers across the field.

To his credit, he's never cornered me about Luc. He only asked once if Luc was treating me right. My bug eyes hopefully conveyed my abhorrence at the thought of Luc being anything but a gentleman and a sweetheart and oh my gracious nothing untoward is going on that Uncle needs to worry about. I suspect he said it just to get a rise out of me, because I've seen him talking with Stanislav. More than once. They keep tabs on us and I don't care.

Sigh.

Later in the afternoon I stood by the water. It wasn't a beach, but at least we were beside it, and I could hope. Hope did not disappoint. At least, not at first.

Luc walked past with Andrei, but even though his friend pushed him and they laughed and waved hello, he didn't come near or stay. I don't know why he wouldn't, but he mentioned tonight that he didn't have a good sleep last night because he came by the water. Star-crossed lovers indeed. I wish there was a way I could tell him to come get me next time, because I'd been wishing to sit with him by the water and he might've even wanted the same! But I got a smile when he picked up his uniform before the show, so whatever keeps him away from me isn't enough to dampen his spirits.

Mine feel like they're drowning when we're apart, but maybe that's just me.

I'm only calm now because he's right beside me.

Today seemed so long. I did Leanne's makeup which was fun. I just wear ridiculous glittery cheeks that I can't wait to wash off every night, but she reminded me today how the glowing comes from inside. She's so fun to have around. I don't know why, but I had a grumpy show. I was fine after. Maybe partially because of him.

Later, In bed, writing in the light coming through the window from the trucks setting up beside the tent

It was a short drive tonight to the platz. We were quiet. Didn't look at each other, not really. I just wrote in my diary the whole time. It took forever and ever to get in and park, so he was frustrated. At least I got a nice look goodbye, but it felt like something was missing. But just a few minutes ago, when I was in my room starting to read on my bed, lying to face the window because I couldn't bear the thought of him still working, suddenly a water hose came slithering through my window! It was him and we squealed. I heard his laugh beneath the window and called goodnight to him as he responded goodnight in Polish. I love how he does things like that. Leanne tolerates us with surprising grace, but she's excited to go home. Eager for summer to end.

Not me.

It's the small things that define these summer days. The way he comes when he wakes up around 7am to tap on the window, because I'm in the top bunk and I can peek down to smile hello and fall back asleep. The way days start rainy but clear up into perfectly cool summer evenings for the Circus show. The way we find each other across the field, staring from our own rooms and smiling between haphazard trailers and animals, with the huge montage between us. The way he calls the main tent the montage. The way I hold his hand before the Clown act. The way two minutes of nothing are precious.

I love his hands. I remember when I first drove with him, the way I'd imagined how they'd feel. Now I know. I almost wish I didn't, because a simple touch can be so much, can say anything or nothing, but if there's love...

Well, then there's love.

And love is enough.