"wake up, orla!" clammy fingers pried my eyes open. laughs filled the room as a small toddler jumped onto my stomach. i winced in pain. it was eleanor. sweet eleanor, only 5 years old. i sat up in bed. "i'm up, i'm up." most everyone was up, in fact. despite the orphanage, which we called the house, being mostly strict; we did have lots of leeway for when we could get out of bed.
i swooped eleanor up into my arms, and let her climb onto my back. "hold on tight" i reminded her. the material of our night clothes made it difficult for me to get a grip on her, especially with matching silklike pajamas it was a challenge to hold anyone. she tightly grasped her hands around my neck, and we were off. we cramped our way through the hallways packed with children. towering four stories tall, the house wasn't as nice as you would think. the top two floors were lined with large bedrooms, filled to the brim with children. separated only by gender, ages varied. younger children were more likely to be adopted, and this placed was filled with them, which meant, no one was getting adopted.
the bottom floor was the kitchen-dining hall, and the caregivers, ms. deavelle's, sleeping quarters. the kitchen lead to a small backyard that was fenced in by metal bars. i hardly interacted with anyone outside of my room, disregarding the small head nods i would give to the occasional nighttime passerby. and no one interacted with me either, except eleanor. she would cause me trouble sometimes, but the company was good, and i could tell she felt safest around me.
at the end of the long hallway, we made our way down the spiral staircase. the dining hall was comprised of 5 long tables, lined with small metal chairs. i set eleanor down and took a seat beside her. small bowls were placed in front of us, filled with what appeared to be yellow soup. it was no wonder so many of us were underweight, we were hardly ever presented with substantial food. regardless, i scarfed it down. it wasn't particularly flavorful, but i think that is what made it bearable for me to swallow.
"are you serious right now?" a voice shouted over hushed whispers. a boy slammed his fists onto the table, causing his bowl tip to over and spill beneath him. i hadn't seen him before, he looked about my age which also wasn't a very common time to be arriving at the house. "we're surround by rich homeowners and you can't afford to give us solid food? not even a crumb of bread?" ms. deavelle turned her back from the pot she was stirring, she looked furious. he said what we had all been thinking though, but we were too afraid and smart to speak up. he didn't even seem to furrow a brow in fear.
"what did you just say to me?" she undid her apron and threw it onto the floor "you're lucky to even be here, to even have food on the table, you had nothing and i gave you a life here" she sneered.
"a life?" he laughed. "this is everything short of a life, you give us nothing, this place is hell." he slammed his fork onto the table, and stormed up the stairs. ms. deavelle shouted in response and ran after him. "you all, are pathetic" she hissed, before disappearing behind the door. the children were in shock. many began to clean the soup from where the boy sat. some cried, including eleanor.
"why does she hate us so much" eleanor buried her face into my sleeve. "she does not hate us," i lied "she just- gets upset sometimes and loses her temper."
i felt a pit in my stomach. i hoped she wouldn't hurt the boy, he was right after all. no one had ever challenged her like that, i almost respected him for it, had he gone about it a little differently.
"um eleanor, you wait here. i'll be back in just a second okay?" i stood up and gave her a smile. i carefully made my way up the stairs, and listened for any sign of conversation behind closed doors. nothing.
i decided to visit the top floor. it had a nice attic i had discovered as a child, and it had been quite some time since i had given it any thought. i quickly turned a corner to approach the fourth floor stairwell, when i heard a sigh from the top of the stairs. it was him. his sigh was almost comically loud, like he wanted me to hear it. we locked eyes, and it would be too obvious to turn back now.
"um hello" i nervously spoke. i could feel my voice go up in pitch. embarrassing. "you can walk around you know" he rolled his eyes toward the open space beside him. his tone made me feel small and intimidated, and awfully, well, awful. the safest route to take would be kindness. kill him with kindness, i thought to myself. "i just, i liked what you said in the dining hall. i think we all agreed with you" i tried to soften my voice and sound genuine, because i was, mostly. "okay" he replied. i almost wanted to walk away, but my curiosity got the best of me.
"so, what did she say to you?" i asked.
"why would i tell you that?" he questioned in response.
"well, i won't tell anyone."
"that's all? you aren't gonna offer me anything?"
"i have nothing to offer you."
"then i'm not telling you."
it seemed like a joke but his expression proved otherwise. he was frowning and looking down. "actually, there is a secret attic i could show you. not like it's anything interesti-"
"an attic?" he perked up.
"yeah?"
"yeah? okay deal."
i said nothing in reply, waiting for whatever was so bad he couldn't tell me.
"show me the attic first" he gestured. like i was dumb for waiting for him to speak first.
"you'll tell me though, you promise?"
he nodded. and with that, i climbed past him up the stairs. it was dismissal for outside time, which meant it was likely no one would notice us up here. there was a small utility closet filled with mops and cleaning supplies. i reached behind a dusting pan and felt for the familiar jingle of the key ring. still there. i stepped atop a small stool and wiggled the key into the hole. the tiny brown door squeaked open, revealing a dim orange room with some loose insulation.
i didn't have to tell him to hurry in quickly, he knew. it was good to be safe, as it was clear to both of us we weren't supposed to be in here. it was empty. i used to bring things up here but i always cleared it out before leaving in fear of being caught.
"it was nothing" he broke the silence.
"what?"
"she said nothing, ms. deavelle."
i frowned. he had a smug look on his face. why was i surprised? he didn't seem like the type to keep promises. i bit my tongue. "well i'll be leaving then" i turned to open the hatch door, when he cut me off.
"she was very upset, so i don't know why she didn't say anything. she just gave me a weird look, of disappointment or something, but also like she recognized me. it was the strangest thing." he spoke quietly.
"how would she recognize you? how did you get here?"
he shook his head. "not like you have any reason to trust me now, but i'll tell you, eventually when i can" he stuck out his pinky finger "i promise". i laughed. was this his way of making me look foolish? it wasn't going to work. he seemed like he was telling the truth, but to be fair, he also did earlier.
"sure" i nodded, and backed my way out of the door.
