Hold On

Chapter 1

I sat on my wide bed looking at my phone tears coming down my eyes. My best and at this point only friend Ella had just told me she was cutting herself again. I didn't know what to say.

I would be a hypocrite if I told her to stop since my ways of dealing with feeling numb are eating till my stomach hurts or maladaptive daydreaming. Who am I to tell her to stop hurting herself and find a better way to deal with her depression when I can't seem to find a better way either.

My head started to pound from sobbing for what seemed like an hour or two. I started to feel myself craving food. No no no I thought as the cravings started. I couldn't do this not tonight. Why me? what did I do for God to punish me like this? My mom always told me if I was good God would reward me but my life has been nothing but hell.

I started to reach for my phone but was hesitant. I didn't want to be a burden to anyone it was two in the morning. I ignored my thoughts and went into my contacts.

There were so many names it reminded me of a time when I had friends. I scrolled down to see Layla's name. She had been my best friend during my last year of high school and we slowly started to drift this summer but maybe she could help me. I pressed call and waited before hearing her voice say "hey what's up". " hey L it's m-". I was caught off by her saying "can't come to the phone right now". I went back to my contacts and tried Ella but she didn't answer either.

I looked at myself in the mirror across the wall from me and wondered what went wrong. I didn't know if it was my fault or someone else's fault that I was like this. But that didn't matter the damage was done and there was no going back now. The only thing I could do was hope that the days get shorter and my sleep gets longer. I just wish I could sleep and never wake up. All I wanted to do was drown my feelings in food. Anything would help ice cream, cake, fruits whatever was there but I knew I shouldn't.

The cravings got worse and started to consider just giving in but then I remembered something I had learned in health class. There was a phone number you could call if you had an eating disorder. I picked up my phone and I went to contacts and dialed
1 (800)-931-2337.

The phone rang for a little before someone answered. "Hello is this the eating disorder hotline," I said trying to calm myself down. "Um no I think you have the wrong number are you ok," a girl said. For a stranger, she sounded extremely concerned. "Oh um I'm sorry wrong number," I said breaking into tears again. Just my luck I really am an idiot.

"Hey no it's okay I'm here to talk if you need someone since I won't be going to bed anytime soon," the girl said. "Are you sure it's late?" I asked not wanting to be a burden to anyone. "Ya of course I won't be able to sleep until I know you're okay," she said.

"So do you have a name," she asked. "Well everyone has a name," I said sniffing and wiping tears off my face. "I know that what's your name," she said laughing at my horrible joke. I always used humor as a way to cope with my problems. It was extremely rare that people liked my jokes though.

"My name is Phoebe what's your's" I answered. "Mine is Olivia and I like your name," Olivia said. "Thanks so what are you doing up this late," I asked. "I could ask you the same thing so why did you try and call the eating disorder hotline anyway," Olivia asked.

"Well I have been showing symptoms of binge eating disorder since I was eleven but my mom doesn't believe me so I can't tell my doctor and get help," I said thinking Olivia wouldn't understand what it was like to have an eating disorder.

No one understands what it was like. Not my family, not my friends not anyone at school. "That's horrible and I can't begin to understand the pain that must cause you but I do understand how hard it is to get help for an ED" Olivia said. "Do you have one too?" I asked wondering how she could possibly understand. "Ya I do but it's a little different from yours I bing and then I throw up," Olivia said. "I'm sorry that must be hard to deal with all the time," I said starting to feel bad that I asked. "No it's okay really I'm fine" Olivia replied.

I knew she wasn't. 'I'm fine is a sentence I find myself saying way too often. "You sure," I asked. "Ya," Olivia said. "So how long have you had an ED" Olivia asked. "Well it started when I was eleven so six years," I said sighing as I realized just how long I had been suffering. I started tearing up again.

"Hey it's okay you'll get through this eventually just hold on a little bit longer okay," Olivia said comforting me. "I'm not so sure I will every day feels like a never-ending cycle of pain and I just want it to be over" I admitted. It was the first time I had ever been completely honest with someone about how I felt. It was honestly refreshing. "I promise you it will I know what you're going through after a break up I started to feel like that but I'm better now and you will get better too," Olivia said encouraging me.

"Well how did you cope and get better," I asked. "I used music as a way to help me get better," Olivia said. Wait a minute there is no way I was talking to the girl who made "drivers license". My little sisters love her. I didn't want to ask her since I thought it would be annoying. "Well I do like songwriting but I haven't done it in years" I admitted remembering the long nights I spent writing songs in my bedroom.

"Why did you stop if you don't mind me asking," Olivia asked. "Once high school started things just got so busy that I just couldn't find time for the things I loved," I said. "Maybe you should try writing again" Olivia suggested. "I think I will and thank you so much," I said truly great full for her help.

"No problem but it's getting late we should both head to bed" Olivia suggested. "Ya, your right it was nice talking to you Olivia," I said. "Oh before you hang up save my number it seems like you could use someone to talk to," Olivia said. "That would be nice bye," I said before hanging up.