My heartbreak is grief that comes in waves, gruelling, stealing appetite and sleep alike. It is a shard in my guts that never leaves, though perhaps in time the edges will dull. It feels like death just the same as bereavement and in quiet moments it chokes the breath from my body and short circuits my mind. What was once whole is shattered; where once was peace is emptiness, echoes of a love I put my everything into.
You're so close and yet too far. And I feel you're slipping away my love right through my fingers like silky strands of yarn, skinny and soft falling through the cracks of my extended palm. Watching you my love, it hurts. Your here but your not, so still and silent, this by far in a life that's beaten me down more times and than I could count this is the worst punishment. And maybe that's too harsh a word, punishment, however that's what it feels like.
A punishment. A retribution. Vengeance.
Like I've done something wrong and god is hurting me through you. It has to be, because it doesn't make sense that you're hurting like this, have you not been through enough? Has your body not been worn down enough? When is it ever enough on you?
Watching the love of her life lie there, still and silent, had to be among the worst punishment she'd ever endured. And her life had been quite punishing thus far. And maybe punishment was too harsh a word, maybe she was over exaggerating but that's exactly what this felt like.
A punishment. Retribution. Vengeance
Like she wronged God somehow and he was hitting her where it hurt.
It really didn't matter though because it hurt all the same. Everything hurt, the ache in my head, the throb of my tired heart. The harsh tightness of my knotted stomach overwhelming and uncomfortable enough to force fat wet tears from her weary eyes.
This couldn't be the end. Not of him, not of us. We hadn't had far enough time together. I feel so hopeless.
