To The One Who Finally Broke Down My Concrete Walls, Thank You

If you're listening, I don't think you know how much you changed me. Thank you.

You were the first guy I ever felt truly comfortable around. I fell for your quirks, your oblivious relentlessness and your raw energy.

The night we met, you said my ears were cute. Who says that? I was hooked.

We laughed, we smoked, we danced, we ate, we drank, and we were always present. Like you said, when we were good, we were really good.

But, you would disappear a lot. You made me feel this kind of new loneliness I'd never felt before. Somehow, despite it all, I fell hard for you.

I wanted you to chase me, but I didn't know how to tell you that.

You said you loved me, but I don't think you wanted to. I wasn't your type and you always reminded me.

There was always an elephant in the room. The idea that we would never live up to each other's expectations, but we had fun trying. You were you from the start. I was trying to be a version of myself that would make us work in an alternate universe.

I'll always remember that old firehouse you called home. Your soaring high ceilings. Your barefoot, freshly showered piano serenades gave me butterflies.

You cooked for me. Read me poetry. Photographed me on your polaroid. We made plans that never happened.

You brought out a different side of me that I didn't know I had.

But, you always needed more than one muse. I spent over a year figuring you out. I may have hurt you in the end, but you hurt me more.

I can't remember ever wanting someone so badly when I couldn't have you.

I always tried to figure out why I couldn't be the person you needed. You know, that person who can be so in the moment one minute and then effortlessly disconnected the next. I had been that girl so many times, but not with you.

You were honest, but I was lying to myself. I couldn't share you and that's what it would take to fully capture your attention.

I really loved you. You were always open about your feelings. You were real.

I was turned on by your transparency and your authenticity, but you wanted the idea of me. You wanted me to be a version of myself that didn't exist. Why did you even bother getting to know me?

All along there was a part of you that desperately needed everyone's approval. If you truly were so authentic like you claimed to be, why did you care so much if I was different than your usual?

I wanted you to be mine. I wanted our connection to have my stamp on it.

For you, that stamp was more than familiar. It was your safety zone. You couldn't love just one.

I tried over and over to understand why it couldn't work, but our minds were both chaos. Foggy with an idea and not a reality. This was more than our 24-year-old brains could handle.

I didn't know I could care that much. I didn't know I could be so forgiving so many times. I didn't know I could go so far out of my comfort zone, but I did it for you.

Through your candid lens, you taught me how to say "I love you." You said it in my bed, you said it on my shoulder in the cab that night, you said it in the karaoke bar, and in the movie theatre with tears streaming down your cheek.

I could see the guilt on your face for the emotional yoyo we'd been through.

But we always laughed it off. One good hug and we were right back to where it all began. Through it all, you somehow made me more confident. Thank you for that.

I wish there was a way for us to stay friends. Sex ruins everything.

At the end of it all, I'm choosing to be grateful.                                                                                                        I don't regret a second of our time. In the end, the good beats out the bad in my memory.

I'll never know if I left a mark on you. The last time we spoke you said you were glad to know me, like I died with no potential for resuscitation.

That hurts, but I know you ended things for me. We had tried to revive our relationship so many times, like a tea bag that you keep submerging in water until finally, It's just water and those leaves have given all they possibly can. Anything past that would be a waste of energy.

I hope our paths cross again one day, but only in a way that's so serendipitous or natural all we can do is laugh at the coincidence of this weirdly small world.

Your face is forever etched in my brain. That fucking beard and your rugged happy trail. That hair. You had great fucking hair. Most of all, thanks for breaking me down and teaching me to let someone in. My walls were suffocating. It was a big task, but someone had to do it.

You'll always be the guy who broke down my painfully stubborn walls and taught me to be vulnerable.

I love you for that.