Let Go / KTH

her letter

Dear alien who loves the color green,

If you're reading this, it must've meant the surgery had not went well. I'm sorry for not telling you and tell everyone I'm sorry. Tell my girls I'm sorry for letting them carry the burden of being the only ones who knew about my condition or my surgery. Tell everyone I'm sorry I couldn't eat with you anymore.

I'm sorry for starting this letter with a sorry tone. See, I'm saying sorry again. I wonder if you would've bonked my head like you would every time I apologize - you'd tell me there's nothing to apologize about but I just want to apologize to everyone, you especially.

Friedrich's Ataxia - that was the name of this despicable disease that took hold of my body. It means I slowly lose control over my limbs. I had accepted my fate then, when the doctor's told me about it. My parents hadn't but I tried to be strong for them. That's when I decided to not hide anymore.

You might not remember but the first time we met wasn't at that freshmen orientation. It was when I was in third grade and you were in fourth where you played the prince on a play and I played the apple tree, I swear you shone brighter than the spotlights when you recited your lines. I knew then that you would make it big and compared to me, who would've known we would get so close.

I meet Jisoo and the girls in middle school. Jisoo heard me playing the guitar in our music room and that had begun a friendship I would never have dreamt of.

But what really surprised me was when I knew that by being Jisoo's friend, I got to see you almost every day.

You never got to meet me because when I see you, I tend to hide - the bathroom, behind the lockers, under the desks - I was so blinded by you that I couldn't look straight at you.

The first day of high school, when you had given your speech I had imagined that "I want you" was said to me instead of the prospect hockey players and then I couldn't help myself. I was already crying.

How pathetic, right?

We started to get close and I fought the urge to run away every time you're near.

And every time, I wished my house was on the other side of town just so I could sit close next to you in your car a little bit longer.

My condition worsened when you graduated high school. The doctors said it was because I wasn't taking my medications or had admitted myself to the hospital but I knew if I did, I wouldn't have those moments with you. I don't want to be confined to the hospital - trapped in a room where I can't run freely.

I didn't want you, or anybody to come to my graduation because I wasn't there. I was in a hospital bed crying with Jisoo and Lisa and Chaeyoung - Jungkook almost found us out but gladly he didn't.

I told the girls never to tell anyone about this, and I made them promise to tell that it was just anemia. I regret putting them through that burden.

I never planned on you finding out about my being hospitalized, I think I underestimated your nosiness.

There were times where I couldn't even type in my phone and the girls would offer to type for me. Sometimes my throat would clog up and it hurts to speak but watching you perform your songs on TV always made me determined to do my best.

I guess you were always running towards the spotlight and I'd always wanted to be by your side.

My mom decided to go to New Zealand since they had equipment more suited for treating me there. I didn't want to leave you but I figured that it would be worth it if it can make me okay.

The problem is, my condition has no sure-fire cure.

So I underwent physical therapy to try and get back some control on my legs, it worked. Only for short amounts of time though, enough to take a picture and send it to you.

I'm sorry for lying.

When I heard you have an upcoming solo, I prayed so hard for some miracle - I wasn't that keen on deities but if someone out there can hear me then I was willing to take my chance.

Then it came, a surgery that could potentially get rid of the condition. Something about performing surgery on my brain but I wasn't focused on the technicalities, it was a chance. The downside is there was a possibility that I would have a cardiac arrest while in surgery considering my health.

But it was a gamble I'm willing to risk just for a glimpse of a future where I could stand beside you, where I could stay.

They said that I'd only have three months before my heart falls to my sickness and stop beating so I had to at least risk it.

Too bad the surgery went south. But hey, at least I tried.

And if given the chance to choose, I would try again because there is nothing more I wanted in the whole world than to see you.

I've loved you, Taehyung Kim, ever since you said the apples on my tree looked green instead of red back in third grade.

I'm sorry for not telling you but I knew that these feelings would just be a shackle on you, keeping you tied to me. I don't want you to be with me because I'm dying, I want you to chase your dreams like you've always did. I don't know how you feel about being confessed to by a dead person but I wished I could've told you this in person. I can take your answer, whether you react negatively or positively, just to see your smile once again.

I wish for a lot of things but what I wish I had was more time with you.

I'm sorry for never telling you on the phone. I'm sorry I couldn't see you perform your solo song live. I'm sorry for not telling you how I feel. I'm sorry for dying.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

From the girl who wanted to chase the stars.

PS I've included our very first picture together, you can see the cutout of my face on the far corner. I also think the green apples suit me more than the red.