what people don't see

one-shot

I blink. once. twice. for the third time. I know I should be getting up but something deep down is pulling me back down, preventing me from getting out of bed. I think about all the things I need to do today. School. Homework. Eat. Drink. It just feels so impossible. I curl under the covers and decide I don't have the motive to do any of those today.

After I go to the toilet I go to wash my hands, I look down the whole time to afraid, to scared to look in the mirror to see my own reflection. I avoid all the mirrors, afraid to look at myself.

I feel hungry and look in the pantry, but just before I open something I think, do I really need to eat, and just walk away.

As I get dressed I look down to my thighs and my arms as red scars are visible. I wonder, would I feel better if just a few more where their.

My friend asks me for the thousandths time why I am not at school, I tell her I am sick. As I think about her I think about how she and the rest of my friends are probably talking behind my back.

I sit their blankly on my computer. I look at my homework but have no motivation to do it. I tell myself there is no point doing school work when you have no plans of staying.

as time trickles by, all these thoughts come into my mind. I am fat. I am ugly. My friends don't like me. My mum is sick of me. My brother doesn't love me. How can I make this all end.

My mum tells me to come out for a walk with her. I say no. She calls me lazy for refusing all the time. She doesn't know that I just don't want to go out and see people. She doesn't know how suffocating it is when people look at me. She doesn't know how insecure I am about my looks.

I sit on the couch and watch the shows my parents watch. They snarl and make comments about gays. Little do they know that I am Bi. They make fun of mental health. Little do they know about anything I am going threw.

As I put on a beauty mask, hoping something will change, my brother makes a comment about how ugly I am. His words always repeat in my head.

As my family is busy I go into my room and lock the door. I get my razor and bandages.

One. Two. Three.... Twenty. Twenty-one. I smile as the blood slowly drips down my leg. My head feels so refreshed. I accepted the pain and said I deserved it.

As I got into bed my head once again filled with thoughts. I cried quietly so no one could hear.

I had school tomorrow. I had to see people. I had to interact with people. I had to keep up that smiling face all day.

I drifted of to sleep and rolled around. My cuts would re open again and again.

While I was in pain just next door was my brother sleeping peacefully, like everything in the world was amazing. just at the front of the house was my parents. They must be so proud, thinking they have an amazing daughter who will get an amazing job and look after them when they are older.    

I cant hold on much longer. The smile. The good grades. The expectations. This stress.

I wonder if I should just end it all.

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If you ever feel like this then please do get help

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