Torn Pages

2018

01-20-2018

I don't write because I'm scared of saying things out loud, I write because it calms me. It lets me for just a tad second pretend that nothing happened. Life people don't say or do things to me that are not okay. I've been thinking of why my class participation is low and I act the way I do at school. I feel like school is the only place where I can truly be myself no matter how much I hate it. The only place where I don't have to worry about what people think of me because I'll never see them again after I'm done with school. So why am I so shy at school? That's the type of person I have become and I have isolated myself from people so many times so I don't forget who I really am. So I don't get obsessed with satisfying their image of who I am. Elementary school was a really big factor in why I changed. The constant reminder of not saying certain things to people has left me completely silent. It's not that I don't know the answer or that I care what you think, it's the fact that I've been silenced and I don't know how to fight it.

01-28-2018

As if I owe you anything, I buy things for myself so that people can't guilt-trip me into doing things I don't want to do. When I buy things for myself I don't feel obligated to do things for you. In all truth no matter what you buy me I don't owe you anything. You took me as a joke whenever I asked you for help, so whenever you ask I should always help? No. Not. Going. To. Happen.

03-29-2018

Let's both face the fact that I don't have a place in this house. No matter how happy I act at school and how many stories I tell my friends, my family sucks. I understand now, I understand why people commit suicide. Because the ones that should love them the most are the ones that suffocate them with hatred. The hatred that they don't deserve. The ones that are their family are the ones that they can't do anything right. They're the ones that hold the knife while they stab themselves. I hate when people talk bad about their family when they are loved. Spend a day in my shoes, with my thoughts and I swear you'll run back to the same family you are running away from. I don't envy you, I would never wish to take that gift away from you. I believe that good things come to the patient so that's what I'll be, patient and thankful that I don't hate myself that much.

03-30-2018

I love helping others but sometimes it feels like the only way to help them is to ensure that I'm in pain. When I help my mother you don't know how wonderful it feels. When I'm done it's as if nothing can ruin my mood. I put a smile on her face and my heart feels content, I feel so proud of myself that I could cry. I try my best to look out for her but if I look out for her, who will look out for me? Who will stop me from telling myself that I can do one more thing? Who will deny me a fraction of my mother's happiness and pain? No one, because I am truly my mother's daughter.

04-03-2018

Ask me if I know my group members' names and I promise you I won't know. You wanna know why? I spent the last three weeks asking when we're going to meet up and all I got for a reply was "I don't know" or "we can't meet up." Then we make the presentation slides and I do 4 only to come back from spring break and be asked "what did you do?" Just because you picked a day impossible for me to meet up and I don't know how to use Groupme doesn't mean anything. I'm tired of being nice. I'll read the slides I typed up and when I get the evaluation worksheet I'll give all of you what you deserve: an F. I hate this school I wish I never filled the application. All the students are full of themselves and the teachers are judgemental.

04-28-2018

I'm not mad because you have a life. I'm mad because every time we make plans you cancel on me. I'm mad at the fact that I went out of my way to call even though you know how uncomfortable I get when I'm talking on the phone. I'm mad because I'm not important enough to you. I'm mad because I'm not worth spending time with. I told myself I would try that patience thing but I don't think I can. I thought family comes first but I was wrong.

06-25-2018

Do you know what is strange? Love. I know everyone loves something, but sometimes I don't. I know what love is. I know the different types of love. I have never felt it and I don't think I want to. Sure I want a child of my own but besides that, I think I'm good. I don't know if it's just me but I've always prayed to have love in the afterlife. I always prayed that I would experience love after I die. Sometimes I feel so guilty that I pray for my family as well. I can be very suicidal but let's face the fact that whoever said talking help is a liar. It's not like I'm depressed all the time and I'm not diagnosed but I also know the sides of myself I hide from others. How much hate I have for myself and living. How I don't believe there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

11-11-2018 

I was hoping I would never have to write in you again, but here I am again. I haven't told anyone yet, but there's something wrong with me. Most of the time my energy is drained and the other times I have terrible mood swings: numb, tired, drained, angry, and sad. For once I want to feel happiness. I want to have faith and gain Imaan.