My emotions throughout my life, expressed through stories, letters and journal entries.
Each part will have an author's note/passage explanation, if you want to better understand what I am trying to express. Some of the things mentioned are things I...
⚠️: Mentions of suicide & death, depressive thoughts
I used to question whether my family would care if I died or not.
Now I don't question it anymore. I already know the answer.
No one cares about anyone in the real world. One death is just a relief to someone else.
I used to want to kill myself because I didn't understand the reason for existing. However, not anymore.
You do one thing one wrong, after doing it well all this time, and everyone wants to get on you. You do one thing right and it's as if you never did it. Usually, I don't care about recognition but honestly after being put down for so long you wonder if anything is worth it.
I used to want to kill myself but I doubt it would make a difference. I would only be relieving their "burden." So no, I won't kill myself. I'll be the emotionless, mute bastard people want me to be because that's all that people want these days - a doll with no feelings.
I can't wait to leave. Regardless of where I go, I never want to return. I want to be free of the hatred from my hypocritical family who lie everyday saying "I'm doing this because I love you." If that was really the case, why do you act like I've done nothing right all my life? Why do you act like I'm nothing but a mistake? Why is it that when I do something right, you look for what I did wrong instead? Why do you refuse to get to know me as a person and instead choose to know me as the high and unrealistic expectations you've put on me?
Every night I cry alone and my insomnia keeps me up even later. My thoughts are never ending and I can never get a break from them. Yet, when I try to open up you make my struggles seem like a joke or write them off as me being overdramatic. You simply don't care.
I used to want to kill myself but those days are over. I won't give them the satisfaction of that relief. Instead, I'll be exactly what they want - an apathetic doll. Who knows maybe they'll be happy with me.
Although, I doubt they would care or notice at all.
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Author's Note / Passage Explanation
If you want to understand the passage better, feel free to read. These go into more detail so the same TWs apply. ⚠️: Mentions of suicide & death, depressive thoughts
So this particular piece was written after I my grandmother and mother complained about something I supposedly did wrong - which was wrong as it had nothing to do with me. She often used me and my brother as scapegoats for anything that went wrong since we moved in with her and would often tell on us so she had a reason to yell at us. I had tried to explain but my grandma's ideology has always been that the kid is always in the wrong (even if they aren't) because they don't know anything. My mother, who I had struggled to put my trust into for years, said nothing (aside from respect your grandmother) and wouldn't listen to me, which solidified my distrust in both of them.
However, these emotions in particular had been building for years as I had been struggling with suicidal thoughts, and I had thought that after so long, now that I was in a somewhat better place (mentally - my thoughts had calmed down in a sense) than before, I could trust my family with how I had been feeling. However, this only resulted in my own problems being laughed off and seen as insignificant. I had already struggled with the believing that how I felt was important and worth someone's time, so my vulnerability being brushed off only solidified to me how insignificant my issues were.
As time passed, I came to realize that my family as a whole really didn't know anything about me. They only knew what they could brag to others about and outside of that they knew what they wanted me to be - which was this perfect, intelligent daughter. They didn't want to hear my opinions or feelings. Moreover, they didn't realize that the expectation of perfection on me was difficult and often resulted in self-hatred because I couldn't meet it. This led to a lot of issues with my mental health (which I won't go into detail) and it only continued to get worse as I didn't have the support network I desperately needed.
