Symptomatic

13

Harry was able to slip by most of the boys on his way in, hood over his head to hide the tears that streamed from his eyes. He stepped into his room, hoping for it to be empty. He was not so lucky, though, finding himself face to face with Ethan.

"What happened? Did you even buy anything?" The elder asked as Harry frustratedly shut the door. He felt anger start to build up in his system. Uncontrollable anger.

"Just leave me alone, Ethan! Get off my ass!" Harry spat, throwing himself on his bed and burying his face in the pillow.

"Don't you understand that we're acting like this because we fucking care about you? You come in crying, what do you expect me to do? Just let you cry without even seeing what's wrong?"

"I hate you, Ethan! I wish I never even knew you! Just fuck off!"

"Yeah you definitely hate me, Harry. Sure. What happened?"

"Fuck off! Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off!" Harry didn't care who could hear him. Josh was accompanying Jj at the studio, so it didn't matter.

"You have no idea how much we care about you, do you? You just keep letting yourself get worse and never reach out to us!"

Harry was so angry he could burst. He flung himself up from the bed and lunged at Ethan, sobbing as he tried to strike him in any way. He was weak, though, and he was tired. He was drained after his panic attack and malnourished. Ethan wrapped his large hands around Harry's wrists and pinned him to the wall with a harsh thump. Regardless of how much he kicked and squirmed, screaming for the other to let him go, it was no use. He wasn't strong enough.

He continued to protest, for what felt like forever, shouting and wailing, sobbing like a small child, until all of the anger seeped out of him and he fell silent. He felt air enter and exit his lungs. He felt the tension of silence that pounded against his eardrums. Harry looked up, eyes meeting Ethan's, only to see that his friend wasn't angry. He wasn't even remotely frustrated.

"Are you calm now, Bog?" He said in a quiet voice. Harry nodded, and when Ethan let go of him, he collapsed. "Don't worry, I've got you. I won't let you fall, okay?"

And Harry realized he was hugging Ethan. He was leaning on him like a crutch with his arms wrapped around him as though holding on for dear life. He squeezed clumps of Ethan's t-shirt in his fists and soaked his shoulder in tears.

A few moments later, he was lying in Ethan's bed, staring at the ceiling as the other laid next to him. He felt like a dead body. Had he cried out his soul?

"What's it like?" Ethan muttered, his voice muted. It made Harry feel grounded. It made him feel less drugged, like he was alive.

"What's what like?" He responded, his voice hoarse after all the screaming and shouting.

"Having anxiety? What does it feel like?"

Harry paused, because he had never really thought about it. He allowed his explanation to flow out of his mouth, saying, "It's like... You feel all shaky and you can feel it in your heart, like you get when something really bad happens, or you get scared. But just every day for no reason. And it's like you're afraid of spiders, but you have to spend all day with them and work with them. And people ask you why you're afraid of spiders if you're also a spider and you have no answer because you don't know why. And you worry about it. And you feel sick all the time. And you feel trapped, like the only way to get out is to die."

Ethan was silent for a couple of seconds before saying, "You're not a spider, though. You're a person."

Harry felt more tears leave his eyes, a wave of guilt washing over him.

"I'm sorry, Behz." He said. "I didn't talk about it because I know that Josh is stressed out... And I hear you crying at night sometimes, and I know it's because of me, and I wanted you to think I was getting better."

"I'm sorry, too. I understand why you lashed out on me. I wasn't mad, I was just worried."

"It's just frustrating. I want to be normal, but I can't, and it's bringing you guys down."

"That's not your fault. And you're not bringing us down. Sometimes people have to make tough choices and endure things to get better, and there's nothing wrong with that. Things have been hard for you, I get it. The rest of us might be worrying about you, but we aren't feeling what you're feeling."

"Thanks for caring about me."

"That's just the effect you have on people. You make them care. That's your superpower, I guess."

They laughed a little bit, and then they both went silent. Harry continued to stare at the ceiling until he heard Ethan's breathing even out and he turned his head to the side to see him asleep. He caught a glimpse of his friend's hand and picked it up, laying his thumb over the inside of it and feeling the steady pulse. It had been a while since he felt something so normal. It was relaxing in a way listening to music or walking could never be because Ethan was breathing. If Ethan was able to breathe, then Harry could do it too.

Harry rested his head on the others chest, listening to the heartbeat and comparing it to his own. He wasn't even panicking, but his was so much faster. Why was it so much faster? The heart palpitations were still there, and they never left.

As Harry succumbed to the pull of sleep, he wondered if there was anything more wrong with him than just anxiety.