WØRDS [Peterick]

øne

I am Patrick. I am 17 and I suffer from selective mutism, which means I have the ability to talk, but I don't. It's more like I can't talk. The doctors say it's because of an anxiety disorder and also the cause that I have depression.

I basically only talk to my mum and my grandparents (from my mothers' side). And to myself sometimes. I also sing. But only when I'm home alone and 100% sure that there is really no one listening.

It's not like I don't like my voice or that I don't want to speak. I just can't. And I hate it. I have seen so many therapists until now, but I never could talk to them even though they (sometimes) made me feel better in general.

I haven't been like this for my whole life – if I had, I could probably not pronounce words correctly. When I was in kindergarten I still talked. I never talked as much as the other kids which already concerned my kindergarten teacher, so they sent my mum and me to logopaedia. But there was no problem with how I spoke. My pronunciation was good, my grammar also and my vocabulary was even better than from the other kids. It was just the quantity of me speaking.

I don't exactly know when I stopped talking to people except for my closest family. It was sometime in the summer before my first year of elementary school. I just know that I became aware of it on my first day when everyone should tell something about themselves and I just stood in front of everybody and couldn't say a word. I felt like choking, but at the same time I didn't feel like choking. My heart began pounding really heavily and the next thing I know is lying on floor with my teacher leaning over me trying to check how I was. They send me home and that day I didn't even talk to my mum.

After some time I kind of accepted that I couldn't speak to other people. I learned sign language and got a white board which I still carry around almost everywhere.

I got really insecure in social situations and moving schools isn't really helping with that. But my mum got a new job offer in a different city and there I was, in front of a big building with new people, new teachers, new everything. I never got bullied because of my mutism, but I also didn't have friends – at least no close ones. They all get tired of reading what I have to say and no one is able to understand sign language.

When I walked into the office to get my schedule the woman there immediately knew who I was and also that I couldn't speak. "You must be Patrick! The principal told me about your muteness. Your first lesson today is physics which is in room 105 on the first floor. It's not difficult to find rooms because they are numbered serially", she told me and handed me my schedule. 'It's called mutism', I corrected in my head and took the schedule.

She was right. I found the room easily and stepped into it, hoping no one would ask questions and that the teachers also knew I was kind of mute. I took the seat at the window in the second row and soon a boy with black hair and eyeliner sat next to me, smiling.

"Hey! You must be new. I haven't seen you here yet. My name's Pete", he said waiting for me to tell him my name. He looked so nice and friendly, but I doubted it would last until he knew I wouldn't talk. I took the whiteboard out of my backpack and wrote "Patrick. I'm mute" (It's always easier than to explain selective mutism) and handed it to him. He read it and then looked at me sympathetically and also a bit sad. "Oh, I'm sorry. That's probably hard for you", he said. "I'm used to it", I wrote. Then the teacher came into the room.

Luckily he was being told about me and just introduced me. He also told the class that I was mute and some people started talking about that. Yeah, I am mute, but I can hear. Well, I couldn't understand them and I didn't want to.