ferryboat scrub caps

one

April 23, 2015.

That was the day Meredith's world was crushed. The love of her life. Her soulmate. Died. All because of a simple mistake. If he had gotten a Head CT, he would've lived. They had enough time to get the CT. But the doctor was too arrogant to get it.

Mrs. Shepherd, there's some things you need to know... some things we need to discuss.

I'm a doctor. Dr.Grey. I'm a surgeon just like my husband was.

Last year, Meredith was in San Francisco. It was just her and the kids. They spent the day together. Meredith was a ghost the year following Derek'd death. But that year away with the kids allowed her to grieve her husband's death. She had to be strong for the kids. That year, all the firsts for her were the most painful.

Christmas.

Birthdays.

Anniversaries.

But this year was different. This year she was around her friends and family. The past couple days, everyone has been tiptoeing around Meredith and the subject of Derek. It was already a sensitive topic throughout the hospital. But especially now with the anniversary of his death coming up, it was a topic nobody dared to mention.

Over the past two years, Meredith had gone through the 4 of the 5 stages of grief.

Denial.

Anger.

Baggering.

Depression.

Acceptance.

Ever since she came home after having Ellis, she has been in the depression stage. But after a couple months, she just masked it. For her and the kids. Just she had to make it seem like she can move on from his death and be strong for the kids. So she put her grief aside to help the kids and answer any questions they had. She avoids talking about the subject of Derek. When she started to work again, she started to wear his infamous ferryboat scrub cap. The piece of fabric brought her more comfort than she expected. Whenever she went into surgery, she wore the scrub cap. While wearing it, she felt like Derek would always be with her. Even in the one place she loses touch with reality. The O.R.

The first year without him, she felt like she could've died. The moment he took his last breath, a major piece of her had been taken away from her. But her kids kept her going. Zola, Bailey, and the baby she found out she was pregnant with a couple days after they had left kept her going. The kids needed her and she needed the kids.

But this year, the second year was going to be harder. All the kids went to the daycare. Amelia and Maggie went to work and brought the kids to the daycare. So she was alone. Meredith still couldn't accept the fact that her husband was dead. The love of her life had died. All because of a simple scan. That they had time for. But chose to skip it. If they had gotten the Head CT, they would've noticed the bleed and had enough time to evacuate it. But instead they skipped the scan, hadn't noticed the bleed and was braindead.

The neurosurgeon who braindead.

That was all she could think about. the fact that the world class surgeon who specialized in the brain died because he was brain dead. That was something she couldn't accept.

The neurosurgeon who was braindead.

Meredith slowly made her way out of her bed. She felt her eyes watering. But quickly wiped them away. She knew she had to face the one thing she hasn't done yet in the past two years.

Visit Derek's gravestone.

That was the one thing se has managed to avoid. Because if she went to visit his grave then all the emotions would be flooded back. The emotions she has managed to avoid. She felt she had to be strong for the kids and everyone at the hospital. So nighttime when everyone was asleep, Meredith felt that was the only time she could fall apart.

But today she was alone. She took a shower and got dressed. Without realizing, she put on a very specific blue button-down. When she buttoned the last button, that's when she realized it was Derek's. She was fighting the urge to take it off, but ended up keeping it on. She put a pair of black leggings on and a pair of sneakers. She let her hair fall naturally.

Derek loved when she let her hair down and left it natural. Not that she ever took the time to style it. When she got in her car, she was starting to think if this was a good idea. To see her dead husband's grave. But there was no point in stopping when she turned on the engine and drove to the cemetery. She first made a stop to a floral shop and got flowers. Because that's what people do when they stop at peoples' gravestones. Give them flowers and shit. She also picked him up a bottle of scotch.

When she got to the cemetery, it was all hitting her. She was going to see her husband. Meredith turned off the car but sat in the drivers seat, and looked over at the flowers and bottle of scotch on the passage seat. She took a deep breath and grabbed the items. She slowly walked in and found his gravestone.

A wave of anger hit her. All of a sudden, she was feeling this anger that he died too soon. For leaving his wife and kids too soon, For leaving his mother and wolf pack of bitchy sisters but he loved them all.

She gently placed the scotch and flowers against the tombstone that read.

Derek Shepherd.

A son, a father, a friend, a doctor.

Meredith took a couple steps back and stood there in silence.

'It's nit like he could break the silence first.' She thought to herself.

After several minutes of playing with her wrist watch and fingers, she finally got the courage to break the silence between her and Derek.

"H-hey." She stammered. "I know I'm late. That I waited two years to come and see you. But Derek I was a mess. When you took your last breath, my world had stopped. But the only thing that kept me going was the kids. Zola and Bailey always ask for stories so I tell them. You would've loved Ellis. When she was born, I saw you in her."

'I'm still here with you and the kids. I see the amazing mother you have become. How your Chief of General. How you and Amy and Maggie take care of the kids.'

"I also started to wear your ferryboat scrub cap. After I came back after a year. And I'm sorry for running."

'You needed to run. You needed the space without everyone bombarding you. It was okay. You and the kids were okay. And let me just say you look very sexy in that scrub cap. I even tell Mark you make it look hot. And just you holding it is very sexy. Mark and Lexie say hi and that they miss you. They would've loved Bailey and Ellis. Lexie said she would want to be Bailey's godmother.'

Meredith just laughed when she heard Derek say the scrub cap makes her look sexy. Only he would think a scrub cap would make her look sexy. And she started to tear up when Mark and Lexie were mentioned.

"Tell Mark I miss my favorite Dirty Mistress. The club meetings aren't that fun anymore."

She could just picture Mark laughing and Derek smiling. "I brought you a bottle of scotch and flowers since I guess that's what everyone does."

'The flowers are a nice gesture. And thank you for a scotch. I love you Meredith Grey.'

"I love you Derek Shepherd." Meredith said, with her voice breaking before walking away from the tombstone. As she was walking, her vision became blurry. The tears were building up. When she got into her car, she sat there and let the tears run. She wasn't sobbing but she knew the tears were bound to come. Meredith was supersede with herself that she lasted that long without tearing up or crying. As Meredith was driving home, all the anger and sadness she had been feeling was slowly starting to drift away.

When she reached home, she looked for Derek's brown blanket. The blanket she hated and wrapped it around her body. She built herself a fire in the fireplace and finally learned the last stage of grief.

Acceptance.

hope you all enjoyed this one shot I thought of! love you all❤️