Subdued Into Residue

Chapter 8

Erin often confused herself. She thought she was weird, she never seemed to understand the reasons behind her actions.

It wasn't until lunch, that this thought crossed her mind, again. She had been sitting with her friends in the canteen, when she had wanted to say something.

Her friends had been talking about how much schoolwork they had, and Erin could relate. For some reason, all their teachers had been piling up with extra work.

And Erin had wanted to say just that. But it seemed like they weren't interested, they had started talking about something else before Erin had finished her sentence. They had just heard that she agreed and then dismissed it saying: "Even Erin agrees, then we know it's a lot."

They had moved on to another topic, then, not listening to what more Erin had wanted to say.

In that moment, a thought had crossed Erin's mind. She'd thought that her friends didn't bother to listen to her. She'd wanted to say something, she'd wanted to speak.

And they hadn't let her.

It wasn't often that Erin spoke up; she was seen as a quiet, shy person. But it was this once, this one time, Erin had managed to keep up on the conversation, and had wanted to say something.

And they didn't listen. Erin had been in the middle of a sentence, and Delphina had cut her off.

Erin knew she'd spoken loud enough, they had heard the first few words, and that was when she had spoken in a low voice. She knew they'd heard her. What she didn't know why they had started listening to Delphina, even though Erin had been talking.

She didn't understand her friends then, yet she didn't understand herself, either.

She'd been so mad, so frustrated that her friends had ignored her. It was a normal occurrence, then why would she become so riled up over it, now?

It wasn't abnormal, it had happened several times – it happened all the time. Then, what was so different this time?

Erin was used to cutting her sentences short at home, too. She was used to just reply in short sentences, so she knew she wouldn't be cut off or ignored.

It wasn't like she wanted to anger anyone. She would just reply out of politeness. If people asked a question to be nice, she would reply; it was the nice thing to do, it was what people expected.

What they didn't expect would be a long rant, which they would be forced to listen to. So, Erin had learned to not say much. And it seemed like the best solution, Erin was barely cut off or ignored, anymore.

What Erin didn't consider, was the fact that she barely spoke at all. She wasn't cut off because they cared, instead, she never had the chance to be cut off in the first place.

Though, sometimes, she wanted to say something more than a few words. Sometimes, Erin wanted to ask questions, continue the conversation, change the topic to something she knew something about.

At lunch, they had done exactly what Erin tried to avoid. But it had happened, they had continued like her presence was barely there at all, not waiting for Erin to say anything else.

It was all normal, it wasn't out of ordinary. But Erin had felt her lips turn down in a frown, she'd felt her shoulders slump.

Then, why would she have that reaction, if it was a normal occurrence?

It was those thoughts that made Erin confused about herself. It was when her body did one thing, her mind not understanding what was happening. It would occupy her the whole day, though she didn't know what was wrong.

It was normal, it wasn't anything different; she'd just answered their question if she thought it was more schoolwork than normal.

Erin knew she was doing something wrong, she knew there was something behind that reaction, but she had to wait until she came home - she needed her hands to stop shaking, her throat to stop closing, making it hard to breathe.

***

Erin walked home, playing the lunch scene repeatedly, in her head.

What had she done wrong? What had she said, to make them lose interest?

But Erin guessed, those weren't the right questions to ask. Rather, why hadn't she stayed quiet? Why hadn't she just nodded and moved on?

Why had she been at lunch, at all? She could've avoided the whole thing by being in the library.

Erin decided that she would stay in the study-rooms more often, then.

After that, Erin started staying in those rooms, letting her friends come up with that conclusion by themselves, for why she would do that. They already thought she used most of her times studying, anyway.