𝐁𝐚𝐤𝐮𝐓𝐨𝐝𝐨 - (𝒞𝒽𝑒𝒶𝓉𝑒𝓇)

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟏𝟎

𝚂𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚝𝚘 𝚃𝚘𝚍𝚘𝚛𝚘𝚔𝚒

When Todoroki awoke from his futon after being submerged in the false reality-a dream-of disappointing his classmates, he had no desire to get up. It was the weekend, and he'd been escorted back to his dorm from the infirmary the day prior by Bakugou, who was at his side. He espied his boyfriend to see that Bakugou was awake but on his phone.

Therapy in three days... Todoroki inwardly sighed, and while he habitually wanted to check the time, he laid there silently instead. Antidepressants every day again. A visit to a psychiatrist sometime soon. Too much. I don't want to think about it. I just want to sleep. As he closed his eyes again, Bakugou shifted his position and ran his hand through Todoroki's hair.

"Shouto, it's one in the afternoon," Bakugou chaffed in a soft growl. "Hungry?" He parted Todoroki's hair away from his eyes.

"Not really. Maybe later," Todoroki murmured.

"When was the last time you ate?"

"I honestly don't remember. I guess I should. I just don't want to."

"Like it or not, you're eating something today. You lost one helluva lot of blood before. I'm shocked you didn't faint sooner. But I still wanna make sure yer gettin' enough nutrients." He paused for a moment. "How're you feelin'?"

Todoroki closed his eyes again from being half-open. "I don't know. I want to sleep." His body was pulled towards Bakugou, but as a familiar pair of arms encircled his chest, he wanted to sleep more than ever.

Bakugou expelled a sigh. "Can't spend the whole day sleepin'." His saccharine scent and warmth cradled Todoroki into a cocoon that was warmer than any blanket.

Sleep off the pain, Todoroki reminded himself. The fact that you're being as kind to me as you were before you cheated on me feels like a fucking knife being thrust into my chest every time you're kind to me. The more time I spend with you, the more I realize that it would be better if I died. You're wasting all this time on me. Why? Because you 'love' me? This whole relationship is basically a lie, but even so, we're both fine with that. I hate that that's fine. I don't want it to be fine. But that's just how it is. Both of us are living a lie in this awful, beautiful relationship. Damn. Not now. Why now? I don't have a reason to feel like this. Why?

"Kat?"

"Yeah?"

Todoroki dithered for a moment before replying, "You keep brushing this off, but...what are we?" He released a long, warm sigh from his nostrils while Bakugou's heartbeat drummed against his ear. "With time, I'll get over what happened, but I don't know if you love me, or if you 'love' me out of guilt. I ask you why you didn't break up with me, but I wasn't able to. I want to be with you, but it kills me to.

"I've said I hate you a lot, but I really don't. I think that's just my way of trying to take the blame off of myself. I keep trying to convince myself that I hate you, but I just can't. I can't run away from my own faults." His eyes were glazed by a glassy sheen of tears. "It's my fault for still loving you after I found out about what happened. I can't forgive myself for that. You would've been so much happier with Kirishima, a-and I fucked it up."

Don't, Todoroki reviled himself. Don't cry in front of him. Don't. Don't give in to feeling sad. I'm not sad. Bear with it.

A vexed sigh rolled from Bakugou's lips like the seething growl of thunder. "Don't try and put this all on yourself," he muttered. "It's also my fault. We're both at fault, Shouto. Oi. Look at me." He gently lifted Todoroki's chin, and Todoroki was fully cognizant that Bakugou had noticed the ridges of crystalline swelling at the corners of Todoroki's eyes. "I'm not letting you carry this burden alone, Shouto. Cry all you want. Don't hold it in.

"There's no shame in not being okay, and if you ask me, the 'boys don't cry' thing is absolute bullshit. No one gets to tell me how I should be feeling, because my feelings are my fucking feelings, and that's that. Same to you and everyone else. We cry 'cuz we're human. It's okay to feel. You don't have to pretend like yer not hurt. I know you are. It's okay to show it..."

Blinking slowly, Todoroki simply felt more inclined to suppress the sorrow suffocating his chest. "I'm tired of being sad," he admitted in a whisper. "I'm so tired of breaking down and crying until I'm numb to the pain for a little while. It comes back without any reason. My day will be just fine, but the moment I get back to my dorm, I can't do anything but cry like a child. I'm sick of it. I hate it. I hate feeling like that. I just feel helpless, weak, and pathetic for feeling something I shouldn't be.

"Yet, I just can't do anything else but sob, hate myself for everything I've fucked up, and dwell on the past and my regrets, even though I know I shouldn't be. Then, when I'm done, I can't get out of bed. I can't. But I don't want to feel empty, either. Cutting gives me a feeling that isn't sadness or emptiness. It's not happiness, but it's something. What am I supposed to feel? I don't know. I just don't know." He scrunched his eyes closed to preclude the shedding of any tears.

Bakugou scooped Todoroki up into a firm, ardent embrace. "There's no 'correct feeling' for anything, and it's okay to experience your feelings in your own way. Don't be forcing yourself not to cry, Shouto..." Deftly did his digits dance through Todoroki's hair. "I know it hurts like hell, but it's gonna hurt you even more if you suppress the feelings you don't want to feel. You can only hold so much at once. I keep tellin' you it's good to express your feelings and let your thoughts be heard by someone, but I mean it now more than ever.

"Still haven't changed, have you? Still acting like you're fine when I know it's killing you to do it. Now that yer in my arms again, I'm not letting you go until you're okay." Todoroki held his breath while Bakugou paused. "Don't you dare say you're a burden. You're so fucking important to me... Y'know the main reason why I planned to break up with you? My fucking pride. Petty as fuck, huh? Still had hella feelings for you."

Is that the truth, or is that a lie to make me feel better? Todoroki couldn't help but wonder as his eyes burned with the snowy stains of his budding tears. Your open arms make me run back to you every time I try to move on from you. I hate this, Katsuki. I hate our relationship. It's terrible. It's not love, Katsuki. It's not... I shouldn't have gotten so attached when I knew I'd end up not being able to let go. I want to break up with you and walk away, but I'd feel too guilty to do it. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I can't help it. It's like your arms are laced with poison. It's killing me to stay with you, but neither of us will let go.

Every time I bite back my tears, it gets harder to keep them down the next time. If I broke down into tears now, I don't know if I'd be able to get back up again. I just want to cry everything out until I fall asleep and never wake up, but I'll keep being forced to wake up again and again for as long as I live. Knowing that, I want it to end. I want it to be over. I just want to stay in my futon to ignore reality. Stop feeling so damn sad... Get a grip and suppress it. But what if I hurt him again and explode like I did at the bridge? I even hurt Kirishima. Shit. Too late. I'm already crying. I hate myself...

The slow, silent, steady tears streaming down Todoroki's cheeks aggregated at his mandible and seeped into Bakugou's shirt while Todoroki's soft, stifled sobs swayed through the air. Although he chastised himself for allowing his own abject misery to fully envelop him, the suffocating chains of his suppressed sorrow began to loosen from around his neck with each tear and sob he wept with. Yet, his growing sobs were like a source of friction for his paralyzing loneliness; regardless of the fact that he finally had someone to confide his sorrows and tears in, he felt increasingly alone.

"It's okay," a husky voice dampened by compassion whispered to him. "I'm here for ya, Shouto... Don't have to drown yourself in your agony or tears anymore. Let 'em out." His solace was another spark to Todoroki's crumbling, wooden defenses. "Lemme hear what's killin' you before it suffocates you..."