Walking through this life, numb to everything the only feeling that I know, that I feel is pain, unable to break free from this repetitive cycle. Everyone I love surrounding me with smiles and laughs, they sound so genuine where as mine is just a face to get by. I've always wondered how it would feel to be free from the chains that like to hold us down, how they can keep the life in there eyes when everything is trying to snuff it out, something I'll never truly understand.
I am one that's used to being on the outside, traveling through each day like is from a boring movie without any real feeling other then being like mist in the wind. I watch around me as others move forward and achieve things that seems you can only reach in a dream. But they made it real, oh how I wonder what is beyond this cage and rusty chains, but unfortunately its not something I'll ever know.
Looking over to my side where the man I loved sat from the corner of my eyes I can't help but feel sadden for him, for once he bound himself to me he gave up on a real life,, real achievement, he's been sucked into my cage of darkness, it hurts, it hurts that he had because I can see each day the light that once was so full in his eyes are dimming and slowly being snuffed out. And the worst part about it is it's because of me. I sigh softly careful not to catch unwanted attention from those around me. 'I need air' the only thought that managed to push through all the darkened ones, I get up making sure to let my love know everything is fine I just need a walk even though It a full faced lie, I didn't want anyone around me right now as I made my way though the crowded house and outside taking in the fresh air. Until I was fully at ease I stayed where I was at and once I was I walked to the edge of our woods giving one last look at the full house before disappearing into it.
Slipping my headphones on and putting them on full blast I make my way through the bushes, briers, and fallen trees before making it to may favorite hidden spot. Sitting on the large rock I lay back letting the beast of the song carry my away, getting lost in my head I can't help the tears that slide down my cheeks as flashbacks of mine and my loves fights fills my head and the loss of our resent loved one, 'Why...Why do I always fuck up....why am I losing....' I couldn't help but think before the pain became to much and I end up reaching into my pocket, letting my fingers caress the handle of the blade I always carry around with me 'I know I promised...but I can't handle this...it's to much' more tears slide down my cheeks as I pull it out of my pocket and flipping it open. Looking at the blade and how it shines just right when the sun beams hit it 'I am sorry.. I hope you will forgive me' I silently apologized to my love before reaching down and undoing my pants gently sliding them down to just around the back of my knee before looking to my thigh and bringing the blade to rest on my skin 'Just a few...just a few...just a few..' I kept repeating in my head before sliding the sharp blade down my thigh, the warm red liquid slide down from the new cut, a sigh of content leaving me as well as a rush of euphoria run though my body, closing my eyes I allow myself to sink into that feeling before taking the blade and dragging it over the fragile skin adding another cut and I keep repeating the same action over and over again till my thigh is covered in unorthodox cuts, some even overlapping each other, and the blood covering my thigh. I don't care though this high feeling is all I needed, is all I craved.
closing my eyes I leaned back my body relaxed and the light feeling flowing though me making me feel so calm, so good, I have almost forgotten how good this addiction feels especially after carrying all the dark and heavy thoughts and feelings, it was good to feel them flow away, so good that I couldn't help the heavy feeling in my eyelids 'I think I'll just rest them for a while' I thought closing my eyes and soon my body drifted into a slumber.
