Slowly my eyes open, my slumber disturbed by my phone going off 'How long have I been asleep' I thought before grabbing my phone and looking 'Hm.. only an hour. I guess that's not so bad' I stretched a bit feeling the tightness on my thigh reminding me of what I did earlier though it stung it didn't faze me it still felt good to me. Looking down at my thigh I noticed the bleeding had stopped and the blood was dried 'I guess this is any of a good of time to clean up' grumbling in irritation at having to do the extra work to make sure this goes unnoticed. Taking out a wipe from my bag that is always with me, cleaning off the dried blood did tug and sting but it didn't bother me, once it was fully cleared I could see the beads of blood that threaten to escape but before it could I put on one of the second skins that I carry in my bag, they usually just use these for tattoos but I found it handy to hide things you don't want seen.
After the long task of putting on the second skin and coving it in makeup to match my skin like nothing happened 'Almost done' I think to myself as I check my work before pulling out spray and spaying my thigh with it to keep the makeup and everything else in place. Once I was finished I put everything away and pulled my pants back up buckling them back in place.
A loud ring of my notification went off again catching my attention once I had everything done, picking it up I look blankly at the messages, the first couple was my husband complaining and being hateful about things we have no control over before they turn into one of concern asking if I'm safe and were I am, I bite my lip in habit answering his texts,
*I am fine just nature walking*
My reply is simple and straight to the lie, but not to long after sending it I got one back,
*I need your help....These damn animals are getting to me..I'm about to break down*
Sighing after reading the message I reply back
*I'm coming*
After that I got up collecting my things and getting back to the house, dreading it with each step I take knowing what awaits me for when I return.
Getting back to the house I enter the door to be met with my partner raging and ranting, couple of threats here and there and how he can't handle things, if...if only he knew half of what was going on with me and the internal battles I am having he wouldn't even worry about what he is now. However instead of voicing my thoughts I keep my mouth shut and nod my head in absent acknowledgement before he finally huff and takes off leaving me to return to my normal seating though the day.
After seating myself and beginning to draw the only thing I can do to keep from being a troublesome pest now a days, though I don't mind it helps me escape and go into a world where anything is possible.
however I can't stop the thoughts as I begin to outline the sketch I have in my head 'What happened to us?' I couldn't help the question that keeps popping up, last year and this as well we do nothing but fight and complain to the point of avoiding each other or rather...me avoiding you, used to be the sound of your voice would sooth me but now it causes me to flinch with a heavy heart, your touch would send tingles up my arms, now barely meets my skin, the burning passion, now seems snuffed out, everything just seems to have just gone wrong.
And I don't even know if it can be fixed, feels like our souls have disconnected, we only seem to have glimpses of our old selves anymore. And the worst part is that you can feel it too, but we are both to afraid to face it, I know I am. "Why did it have to turn out like this?" I say out loud to no one and bring my hand up to run through my blond hair, gripping at the locks I remember all the questions others have asked but I've left unanswered, either not having to word for it or not wanting to hurt them I try to keep from it. How do you tell the one you love that the reason you have given up, the reason you have lost your pride, is because they unknowingly ripped it apart?
You don't, well at least I don't, instead I'll lie or dismiss it, its how I am. I am able to adapt to the conditions around me and sometimes its not a good thing. "Babe!" my partners yell snap me out of it and to cause me to look up.
