Sad but true [Short story - Yoonmin a little]

Loneliness

Being alone isn't always a bad thing:
You could just do your own stuff or listen to music and don't have to worry about what others say.
You could watch people just to see how much fun they have which can bring a smile on your face or a frown. It could make you feel happy or make you see that you have nothing but the nature in that moment.

People might pity you for not having many friends or they could just ignore you. They all don't really care about you in the end if you don't put on a happy face until they like you enough. I never really understood why people wanted to have friends but this one popular boy in my class always makes me wonder what it's like to be loved by so many people, what it's like to have friends or what it would feel like sharing stories with other people than your family or online friends.
He always laughs and fools around with his friends or what you would call friends while I watch them from the corner of the class room.

Those six boys look like they would be bound to eachother. I don't really know their names except for Jimin's.
He is the one boy that I like the least so far but also the most. He's always around everyone making fun of people just because of small mistakes. I don't know what he does at home but the school technically is a game to him. It doesn't look like he tries to be mean though. More like he tries to be funny and obviously it somehow works out for him.
I never really understood how he could do all of that without caring what the others think of him or how he could just laugh about his own mistakes in front of everyone. Neither did I understand how he could get along with everyone. I never understood how he could motivate and help people so well. And I never got to know why he tried to help someone as hopeless as me too.

Why did he do it? I don't know. Why did he notice me? My only friend in school is friends with him too but he didn't know how I actually felt. I didn't want to be a burden to Hobi. He is such a sweet person which is why I don't deserve him as a friend.
He was the first one to even try to talk to me. I kind of wish he didn't but no-one can change the past. It's just that I don't want to annoy him at some point. I wish I could be as confident as Jimin and as joyful as Hobi but I never will if I keep having anxiety.

People always told me things like that I just should get over it or that I should just create them in my head to make me happier. They tried to heal my anxiety but did the opposite. "Don't worry", "everything is fine, so stop crying", "just stop thinking about it", "why aren't you saying anything?" and that all out of good intentions but they never know why I cry or overthink or even just stopped talking and they never even actually cared.
They always claim to be such kind and loving friends of mine but don't even know me, they tell me to trust them but couldn't keep my secrets safe.

Every day in school it's the same:
Come to class, don't get noticed and get away from all the people. I don't go near anyone at all and Hobi doesn't sit next to me, so it's not hard to stay alone. I don't say much in the lessons, I don't say my opinion, I don't try to do anything, not even studying.

But one day Jimin came to me to make sure I'm alright. Of course he didn't notice that I wasn't but that's hard anyways if I myself can't feel anything. He stayed for some minutes but didn't care about all the looks. Who wouldn't stare? The popular boy talks to the quiet outsider. Sounds stupid, right?
While he tried to get a conversation started with me, I drew just like when I was alone and barely answered. I could see that he really was interested in talking to me but I am socially the worst you could get.
Results?
I didn't want to say anything at all because who knows what might hurt him. You don't know a person just because you are friends with them or watch them everyday. Humans don't tell the truth all the time. They hide their feelings at all costs until they fully trust you.
I know that Hobi isn't an all happy person. I know that he's not showing it. But I also know that he doesn't show it for the same reason as me and everyone else:
He doesn't want to be judged.

Every day I watched the two boys. Jimin, who is making jokes and laughing with everyone and Hobi, who plays along but also makes sure that noone is sad.

One day I saw Jimin hugging a boy in our class though. Yoongi if I'm right. He hugged him from the back. This continued every single day. It made me feel lonely but at the same time somehow happy. He finally had someone who makes him laugh, someone who he could talk to when he's feeling down, someone who is there for him.
Even though I was happy for him I felt a small but hurting pressure in my chest every time I saw them together. I had a crush on him which I got pretty easily just like all the other times.
Love is useless for me though. I never really understood it. What makes it special? How does it make you feel better than a friend? How do you know it even is love?

It didn't take long afterwards until Hobi slowly lost touch to me too. I don't blame him though. It's my fault anyway. I started hurting myself again. Every day a little more until I had enough of living. On the last day of this painful life that I had, I bid farewell to Hobi, Jimin, my family, my online friends. They didn't understand that I was going to leave forever, so they just were confused... but that night I decided to end it all... To finally leave it all behind and not have to feel anything anymore...

In that last night I left this text..
So please don't miss me mom and dad..
Please don't miss me Hobi.. and please don't cry too much..
I love you all...

The End

Author's note:
Please don't take the last part serious! I'm still alive!
In this short story Hobi and Jimin represent people in my actual life. They actually helped a little throughout it all.
Sorry if I wrote anything wrong or not understandable!
Love y'all! <333