Dear Emma

chapter 31 || kai

I stare at the mess in front of me, trying to figure out where to begin. All of my clothes are spread across my bed and floor, the small arts and crafts I've made throughout my time here tucked away in my suitcase. Anything else that I brought with me is distributed across the room.

When I first arrived, I couldn't wait to leave, but now, I don't know how I'm going to survive without any liquid courage. I've gotten used to it, but I don't have to deal with insensitive pricks and the rest of my shit-show of a life here.

And once we get back, I don't know if I'll even have Ryder. At any given point in my life, I've always had Ryder.

"How the hell are you still not done packing?" Callie asks. "You've been at it since this morning."

"I'm not a good packer," I say sheepishly. "Honestly, I'm not even sure where to start anymore. It's just such a mess and there's so much to figure out and what if it doesn't fit and work together what then do I just leave it?"

Callie stares at me, looking me up and down. "Is this just about packing? Or something else too?"

I scoff, picking up clothes and tossing them in the bag. "Of course not, what could it possibly be about other than packing?"

"Ryder." I stop. "Kai, everything will work out, I promise."

"That's the thing, Cal. You can't promise that. What if he doesn't feel the same and I lose him?"

"I think you've been through too much together to lose each other."

"Maybe." I dump out everything in my suitcase and start folding my shirts. "Whatever, it's a problem for future me. One last day and then we can figure out the mess, right?"

"Of course," Callie replies, grabbing a shirt to fold. We silently pack my suitcase, filling it up with clothes and the trinkets I've collected. I place my journal on the top, using the polaroid of me and Emma as a bookmark.

Zipping up my suitcase, I look around Cabin 13A. Once considered Satan's guesthouse, but somehow became a second home for me.

"You know, I didn't really like you when I came here?" I say. "Well, I didn't really like anything when I got here."

"Yeah, I know."

~*~

As I'm heading toward the oak tree, I linger back. Callie, Hayden, and Zach are already there, laughing amongst themselves. The sun is bright and the sky is without a cloud in sight. It should be a perfect day. But it's much, much more complicated.

"You okay?" I turn my head to the voice.

"Yeah. Are you?"

Ryder sighs. "I think so. Not sure if I'm 100% ready."

"Do we have to be 100%?" I ask.

He thinks for a moment. "I don't think so." He throws his arm around my shoulder and we walk together to the tree, meeting up with our friends. I catch Callie's eye, who gives me a look I can't quite decipher. I mouth "what" to her, only getting a shake of a head as a response.

"Well gang, final group session. Are y'all ready? " Jayden asks as he approaches us.

"As ready as can be," Hayden says, cracking his knuckles. "Let's get started."

Jayden chuckles. He holds out a small bouquet of flowers, telling Zach to take one and pass it around. "These are pink carnations. In certain cultures, a pink carnation symbolizes the remembrance of the deceased."

"Like diadelosmuertos?" Hayden asks.

"Sort of. Diade Los Muertos is more of a celebration of the process of life and death, while flowers are another way to express emotions. Different flowers and colors also mean different things in most cultures. Some symbolize love, acceptance, purity, even hatred." Jayden responds. I take the flower, passing the last one onto Ryder. "Today, we're going to remember your loved ones. To do that, we're going on a small hike."